This year I am not writing a letter to Mr. Wimbledon. ‘Why not?’ I hear you ask My staff. Because I have become a little disillusioned with these last twelve months (a year). I think the tournament organizers have two faces. They smile when they see Me, ‘yes GOAT, no GOAT, four gold bags full GOAT’, but when I am not there they also smile to the other players as well. So, I have decided to take My destiny in My own hands.
I have sat up all night with staff devising a secret plan for Wim8ledon. Here I shall make the revealings.
Scottish. I have hired a Scottish teacher to help Me learn this language and culture of the good Scottish people. I dinnae go there very often so dinnae know much about it. I’ve heard it’s cold and getting My goatlings cold is the last thing I need, especially whilst on tour.
How will it help? I have made the calculations that Novak and the Spanish One will be on the other side of the draw, again. If Andrew of the Murrays is on My side of the draw it means, after he has played all the good players on our side, he will have to play Me. But even if he isn’t, I will see him in the final. But by this time I will have thrown his camp into the confusions with My authentic Swiss-Scottish accent.
Week 1 – This is the week that the BBC team gasp at My brilliance whilst beating wild-cards. During this time I shall lay the groundworks. I shall be giving the interviews and people will be turning their heads sideways due to My new accents. ‘What has changed with Roger?’ they will ask. The Murray camp will feel unease, unrest and uncertainty. When Judy of the Murrays is lucky enough to be in My earshot I will talk about cakes and My Outer Hebrides which will make her do the blushings.
Week 2 and the Final – By this time the Murray camp won’t know which box to sit in. My goal is to have Judy of the Murrays in My box, hopefully whilst I am playing Andrew. He won’t know which box to look at for the support and motivations which is when I will take the advantages hopefully by not doing the shankings. Judy, I hope, will be sitting in Paul Anaconda’s seat. This should give him the final hint. You’d think My only final this year being Halle would be hint enough.
I hope you like this because when I asked Mirky if she wanted to see My secret weapon she slapped Me around the face.
See you in the final and as we say in Scotland, guid cheerio the nou!