My Tips for Mr and Mrs Commentator

Good afternoon,

For some reason I seem to have a lot of spare time in these moments. I like to be productive and keep making the improvements not only as a champion but also as a person too, so decided to use this extra time to watch the television set.

There’s a tennis tournament on at the moment that I chose not to take further part in. It wasn’t just me, a lot of the others left too. We did it together, in the same way beautiful birds make the migrations south for the winter times.

With this extra space in My calendars I have been watching a lot of the televisions and listening to the commentators wondering whether I should become one, if I choose to. I need to think about My future, quite quickly it seems. I have made the following observations whilst listening to Mr and Mrs Commentator:

– Yes I am the GOAT. Even though on the occasions I say we should not and cannot compare ears, you know deep down I am making the agreements that I am GOAT.I.Am – But, My commentator friends, do we have to keep saying it? Here is a Federer-microphonechallenge for you, just for fun times. The next time you are making the commentaries on a match where I am not playing, try not to mention My name. If you can last for longer than 32 seconds I will ask staff to toss you a Lindt chocolate ball.

– Rafaello Nadal. OK he isn’t My favorite but I’m not going to say why at the moment. If I had (another) expensive watch for every time you mention the way he places his bottles, I would be like the Big Benjamin Clock in London. We know he has a thing about his bottles because we can see it with our biological eyes. It is not news and nor has it been since 2004 when I chose to lose against him for the first times. If you can go through a Rafaello match without mentioning his bottle placings I will arrange for a special banquet in Pizza Express, SW19 (Before 6pm for the Early Bird discount vouchers).

– “Uncle” Toni. He is not your Uncle so why do you keep referring to him as this? He is not My Uncle either… although I wish he was. Do you call my Father, “Daddy Federer”? Well if you do, please make the refrainings because this is not appropriateness. He is My Daddy not yours.

– Igor Dimitrov is his name. Not “Baby Fed”. I did not look like him when I was a baby, I was much smaller, had little legs and at first I had the little chubbies in My cheeks. Now you have given him another name too, “Sharapova’s boyfriend”. I don’t believe this is on his Birth Certificate either.

I hope you don’t feel that I am making the encroachments on your professionalism, although I am somewhat. You’re welcome.

Much love,
PF xxx

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22 thoughts on “My Tips for Mr and Mrs Commentator

  1. Too good. Keen to see if Mr and Mrs Commentators can get Lindty balls… If they do, perhaps they need to do the cleanings out in their closets… I wonder what skeletons would be the findings…

  2. Bonjour Roger! C’est par expérience k je t’écris ces phrases. Ces gens qui t’importune à la télé font tout pour te pousser au bout et te faire craquer. SVP n’entre pas à leurs jeux! Ne le suis pas ça ne sert à rien. Vis ta vie comme avant. tu verras que tout iras pour le mieux! Que Dieu t’assistes!

  3. This must be a scary time for you. With a family to support you need to find the earnings. If you are to become the best commentator of all time it will require hard work and dedication. You more than anyone else, ever, are best suited to doing this. First move should be to ban all Spanish commentators (now and in the futures). They don’t speak the english properly. The tennis world needs commentary from high above. Perhaps not that high, but maybe from somewhere higher than Holland. Swizzerland would be the idealings. We wish you extra well with your new excitements woof woof #justsaynotopaella

  4. This is the best postings ever. Could you also mention the bradling Gilbert’s awful habit of giving everyone an atrocious nickname

  5. Thank you, Maestro, for Your pointed but kindly expressed suggestions. These habits which You deplore cause TV viewers of tennis to grimace so often, our faces hurt by the end of a tournament. Even good chocolate and champagne cannot restore our features. Sometimes we have to mute the broadcasts in order to last through a match — which is sad, because then we don’t hear Your light steps, Your racquet strikes, Your occasional grunts of power, and Your more frequent shanks. Quite takes away from the enjoyment of Your game, I am sorry to say.
    I do hope that we will hear improvements in the broadcasts very soon, now that the GOAT hath spoken. Perhaps, when You have decided to turn from excellence in tennis to excellence in commentating, You and Andy Roddick will work together in the commies’ booth at Wimbledon, sharing Your humble observations and memories with the audience.
    Finally, as You are seizing the “teaching moments,” could You turn Your etiquette attention to Mssrs Gulbis and Tomic for the good advising? Grateful appreciatings in advance!

    • Hello Athena fan. I’m sorry your face has been doing the hurtings. Have you asked your staff to do the massaging?

      You’re, of course, correct about My light footings. It’s only audible with special technological sensitive audio equipment, or by elephants who have very large ears (and noses). Though I don’t think Mr. Elephant uses his nose for hearing, but I cannot confirm this because I have seen them pick things up with the nose and this is something I cannot do, I have tried.

      I would like very much to work with Andrew Rodrickson, he would be so pleased for us to work together again. Something I presently cannot say about Me working with Rafaello, Andrew and Novak.

      Gulbis? He’s too “boring” for Me. I will leave Mr. Tomic to Mr. Wimbledon.

      Much love,
      PF xxx

  6. I am very much impressed with this. It is so clever. Did you actually write it yourself or did you have help from a certain journalist? Nevertheless, you are certainly adept at the observations of the annoying people who drive us up the walls of our small houses. Mr Bouncy is the worst. He regurgitates the same information about the top players, and you ad nauseam. He makes me want to regurgitate my meals when listening. I would suggest that the BBC do the employings of you and put him out to grass, not that he can play on it. Would love for you to work with Mr Rodrickson and Mr Bradlings. It is good for older people to do the commentings and perhaps you could ask the BBC to stick to channels when broadcasting matches. I am happy that you are seeking alternative employment..it is always the benefits to have a change. It’s as good as the rest you are having now. I suppose Mirky is not happy having you around the house and not being able to see Raffaello. I will suggest to her that she pays the attentions to Andrew of the Murrays who is a very nice boy. Thanks again for clever blog. I remain, as always, your devoted Andy fan.

    • Hello Super Grandmother. Thank you for the observings and detailed message. I had no help from any journalist, though I’m sure so many would like to have My pen skills and would cherish the opportunities to spend just a moment with Me. It’s just something I live with. I don’t think about it often but when I do I pace around the homes.

      See you soon! PF xxx

  7. I like it. For your next blog in a series on commentating habits you could commentate on how nice it is for players with a one handed backhand that they all seem to have ‘one of the best one handed backhands in the world’. There are only 5 players left with a on handed backhand in the ATP top 1000 to do the exaggeratings, but annyways.

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