Good day from The Wimbledon!
I have had many emails during the night times asking about some comments I recently made in the interviews about time keeping in tennis. In the interests of being transparent I will use My bloggings technology to make the clarifications.
Lukas Rosol is correct. Some players take too long in between points and this is the only reason they keep winning matches. Actually I wanted to speak with him about it but somebody told Me he went to the supermarket to buy a certain type of grape. Not sure if he would have found them, Wimbledon only sell the sweetest kind.
I would like to stress the words I used in the press conferences about My concern for losing viewers if this is allowed to continue. People will get bored and ask their staff to switch the television channel to something else.
Mentioning no names but I will use anagrams to suggest who I am referring to. The first player is, ‘A Land’ and the second is, ‘Jock Void’. They use the most time in between points and also it is no coincidence that nobody wants to see them play. The fact that they are ranked higher than Me is coincidental and neither, here, there or anywhere.
As I said in the interview, it is not acceptable that fans potentially see 2 points every 60 seconds. This is preposterous. Fans want to see at least 35 points a minute. Preferably consisting of Aces and, worst case scenario, Serve & Volley winners. Any more than 3 shots and Mr. or Mrs. Umpire should stop the game and insist on a restart. There is nothing more boring than a 20 or 30 shot rally. There’s nothing more tiring either.
If we adopt this quick strategy think of the consequences! Grand Slam matches could be over in about 20 minutes! Tournaments would last about 2 days and, with the energy I could save, I could play until I retire at the age of 65 and collect My state pension.
I am seriously considering bringing My own time piece to every match to ensure all rules are adhered to properly and correctly. I have a nice collection in case you didn’t know, and the anagram for that is, ‘Re Lox’.
Much love,
PF xx
pseudofedblog.com 
This is hilarious! I love your sense of humor 🙂
Can’t agree more with your article.
I am so concerned about your fixation with time. It’s really quite worrisome. Just because you are advancing in years does not mean you have to hurry hurry hurry. Stop and smell the roses! Maybe then you might find more calm in your hectic life and perhaps even spring ahead of the pesky players A Land and Jock Void.
Your GOATness (arguably),
In your just concern re time you have inadvertently neglected to address equally important issues: aesthetics and fairness.
Players should be required to play with the right hand only. The 2 handed backhand is an ugly shot while the one handed backhand is elegant and graceful. Playing with the left hand is inherently unfair to the vast majority of right handed players. There is ample evidence that the left handed minority can learn to play well with the right hand. As for those recalcitrant types who maddeningly play tennis left handed even though their right is the dominant hand….words fail me.
Then there’s the excessive toweling. Medication can be made available to those unfortunates who, unlike your GOATness, are so gauche as to perspire.
Noise. Players should be metered for sound and penalized if it exceeds a certain level. This should include the sound of the racquet striking the ball. Some players hit much too hard!