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I Will Survive

As Wimbledon commences I have penned a little number for all My opponents that will face Me during the next two weeks, or, however long I choose to remain in the Championships, whichever comes first.

I encourage you to use the video at the end and do the singings along.

(Original lyric written by Freddie Perren and Dino Fekaris.
Here improved upon by Me.)

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking who’d be in the draw today on My side
I used to spend so many nights
Thinking how you did me wrong
But I grew strong
And I learned how to mow the lawn
And now I’m back
From outer space
I just glided in to find you here
With that same look upon your face
I should have changed the locker-room key
I should have said it was not Me
I didn’t know for just one second
You’d unlock it to annoy Me

Go on now go
Walk out the draw
Don’t turn around now
‘Cause you’re not in this anymore
Weren’t you the one who tried to hurt Me with your points
Did you think I’d stumble
Did you think I’d fall down and cry
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to serve
I know I’m going to thrive
I’ve got all my shots to give
I’ve got all my games to relive
And I’ll survive
I will survive, hey hey!

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
Kept trying hard to mend
The pieces but you were way too smart
And I spent oh so many days
Just feeling sorry for Myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
And you see Me
Somebody new
I’m not that pained up super human
Still so scared of you
And  yet the balls kept dropping in
Did you expect Me to just flee
But now I’m saving all my playing
For someone who’s worthy of playing Me

Go on now go walk out the draw
Don’t turn around now
‘Cause you’re not in this anymore
weren’t you the one who tried to hurt me with your points
Did you think I’d stumble
Did you think I’d fall down and cry
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to serve
I know I’m going to thrive
I’ve got all my shots to give
I’ve got all my games to relive
and I’ll survive
I will survive, Oh…

Much love,
PF xx

Hello Mister Wimbledon,

Long time no see, well, about a year actually.

As I sit here with staff making the anxious faces about the draw which is to be announced shortly, I would like to discuss some things.

You would have seen Roland (the French version of you) gave Me a favourable draw, it even surprised Me. I was going to urge you to do the same but I thought no, let’s push the envelopes and think outside of the boxes.

Brad Gilbert with PseudoFed t-shirt

Mr. Bradlings showing that he is part of Team Pseudo.

I propose that I get a bye to the final. Before you make the scoffing faces and think I am being ridiculous please allow Me a chance to make the explanations.

Everybody likes Me. I’m not being rather large headed, this is just a fact and if I can embrace it, so should you. Therefore, everybody wants to see Me in the final and if I’m honest, I do too. I am really big on fairness so I want to make it clear from the onset that I am perfectly happy for all the other players to play each other for a chance to meet Me in two weeks time. It’s actually more exciting this way as they have a double motivation, 1. to reach the prestigious final and 2. to meet Me there!

In either case I am excited to be here again in Great Britains, I shall have a nice cup of tea now.

Before I go and wait for the draw I have two bits of news:
1. Please buy a fashionable T-Shirt from The PseudoFed Fashion Store. 100% of proceeds go to the amazing Elena Baltacha Foundation. See details with links by clicking here.
2. My book is now available in paperback version from Amazon.com and Amazon UK as well as Amazon Europe sites. If you live outside of these areas Amazon ship internationally.

Much love,
PF xx

Beep Beep Everybody people!

Greetings from the Gerry Springer Open in Halle!Female tank top

Long-time twitter followers will know that I don’t have any problems firing staff. It has reached the point where I now have fired more staff than I employ.  As you can see this is somewhat of a crisis for the GOAT. Therefore, as of today, I have hired everybody! Yes, even you!

The wonderful team from the Elena Baltacha Foundation had the pleasure of working with Me and together we created:

The PseudoFed Fashion store.

100% of proceeds from all items go directly to the Foundation.

I carefully chose every product and have written a description for each item for your pleasure. Rather than generic t-shirts we have high quality garments from adidas shirtNike, Adidas, American Apparel and more. In addition to clothes, there are other fun items too like a watch, wallet, tie and even a shirt for doggy staff members. Staff will add new items from time to time so check back often.

As well as being seen in these exclusive garments and being the envy of others, you’ll be helping an amazing cause so please share this information to family, friends and people that you do not know.

Anybody not wearing one of these high fashion items when you come to see Me play during Wimbledon will be asked to leave the grounds.

Much love,
PF xx

P.S.

For customers in the United Kingdoms:
http://www.zazzle.co.uk/pseudofed

For U.S. customers the storefront is:
http://www.zazzle.com/pseudofed

If you live elsewhere in the world just pick whichever you’re nearest to as both stores ship internationally.

A Man and His Shorts Enshrined in History
Contratulations Stanford

Best wishes from Me and staff. PF xx

Stan Wawrinka à Roland-Garros, le 24 mai 2015 - Christophe Ena/AP/SIPA

Stan Wawrinka à Roland-Garros, le 24 mai 2015 – Christophe Ena/AP/SIPA

Gael in a Gale

When I created the world in 14 days, I took the middle Sunday as a day off to relax and do the restations. Something Mr. Wimbledon acknowledges and respects by making the prohibitations of tennis matches on that day.

Look, I totally acknowledge the draw I was gifted, though when you expect something it isn’t such a surprise when you get it. I didn’t really expect, however, to play on My day of rest. As if playing on this dirty clay isn’t enough. One thing I hate and that is artificial surfaces. I created grass, everybody knows what grass is, it’s everywhere. I created hard surfaces and we have all seen these in nature such as where you usually park your car by stadiums, shopping centres and airports. As a side note, at Wimbledon you park your car on the grass, that’s how good they are. What I did not create was clay. This horrible man-made substance does not exist in nature, where else do you see it other than on tennis courts?

To make matters worse, the weather doesn’t look too great today. It appears that I will be playing Gael in a Gale. Of course, I have arranged for the final to have beautiful sunshine just in case I may choose to attend.

On a final note, a message to My French fans. Please be consistent Mon fans. You have always cheered Me more than a fellow countryman, something that doesn’t happen anywhere else in the world, please ensure that this anomaly remains.

See Me later!

Much love,
PF xx

Bounjour Mon fans,

There are a few points that I would like to discuss aujourd’hui.

Firstly, yesterday was My third round match and the stadium was about a third empty. Everybody loves Paris and Roland, but could someone be kind enough to remind him that this is a Grand Slam event. Mr. Wimbledon always ensures a packed house whether it be the first round, or the final.

Secondly I have had many emails regarding The Book and whether you must own a Kindle device in order to buy  it. The answer is no. You just need the free Kindle app that is available for all computers, tablets and portable telephones.

Nextly, if you would like Me to personally sign your ebook, with the use of technology, I can! #excited You can use the following interweb link and request what you would like Me to write to you. @lucyheisinger was the first to request this! Gracias Lucia! I will sign all messages:
http://www.authorgraph.com/authors/PseudoFed

So Roland, if you’d like Me to continue coming to your tournament, work on putting derrieres on seats please. When I play I expect more.

Much love,
PF xx
P.S. Roland, thanks again for the draw.

Hello Everybody fans,

GOAT here. Today is one of those days where, in years to come, people will be saying, “Where were you when…. ?”

I have decided the world is ready for My scriptures. Already a timeless classic, I have written The Book that will grace all species and will exceed the end of time.

Book CoverPseudoFed’s Guide to Tennis and Life will expose the inner genius, how did I become the GOAT? What are the advanced tactics I use on court? What do I get up to off court? How did I wake up one day in Andy Murray’s house? What was I doing in Fabio Fognini’s bathroom? Who joined Brad Gilbert and Me on a hunt for ghosts? Did Brittney Spears and Leonardo da Vinci really write to Me?

All these questions are answered in The Book.

In addition I will gift you My personal philosophicals on spirituality, personal meditation techniques and advice on how to make your life better in every way.

At the end of the book there is a Glossary listing important people in tennis: players from past to present, top journalists and commentators as well as other important people that make tennis the great sport that it is.

Go to your local Amazon site, wherever in the world you are, and type in My name, ‘PseudoFed’ and The Book will magically appear.

I can confirm that this is the greatest book cover you have ever seen. Thank you to Mr. Grass and Mr. Alda for its creation.

Much Love,
PF xx

P.S. This is available on Amazon worldwide.
For the convenience of US and UK fans:
If you live in The USA click here.
If you live in the United Kingdoms click here.

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