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Hello My fans!

I am well.

Recently Stanford called Me and we had an interesting conversation. I thought I would share it with you as you know I like to share what I can. It went like this.

Phone makes sound, staff member picks up call. Looks at me:

Staff member: GOAT, it’s him again.

I reluctantly agree to take the call and gesture staff member to hold phone by my ear.

Me: Hello Stanford, Happy Birthday for the other day. How may I help you?
Stanford: Hello GOAT. Did you hear about the Miami men’s semi finals and what happened?
Me: Yes, of course I did. It was quite fascinating to see two retirements and such a shame for all players and fans.
Stanford: Must have been annoying for you having just been beaten then he retires huh?
Me: Shut up.
Stanford: Do you know the medical reasons for the retirements?
Me: No, it doesn’t really matter now but as I said, really sad and hope Tommy and Kei get back on the court as soon as possible.stan aussieopen - Copy
Stanford: We MUST be told the reasons. Where are the doctors’ reports? Can I download them from anywhere do you know?
Me: No Stanford, it isn’t any of our business, let’s just wish them well.
Stanford: No, it is a fundamental rule of the game that I am told every time a player feels ill, the diagnoses and prescribed medication.
Me: No Stanford, this isn’t the Australian Open now. Just behave and sit quietly would you please?
Stanford: Congratulations on the year you’ve had by the way. I know the commentators going crazy about your comeback.
Me: Oh! Thank you yes.
Stanford: Tell me again how you got to the Australian Open final?
Me: Shut up.
Stanford: You won Dubai, great! Has there been anything else? I won a slam so far this year.
Me: Shut up.
Stanford: Question, why do commentators say you don’t sweat when you simply do?
Me: I don’t sweat, I glow. Anyway, when I sweat what comes out is Swiss Alps mineral water with a PH of 7.2.
Stanford: I’ve heard it all now. Well, I hope you have a better year than last year, though that won’t be difficult even for you.
Me: Staff are hanging up now, goodbye Stanford.

PF xx

Hello everybody fans,

Nice for you to see Me again. I had a few moments before going out to hit some balls for the preparations of My match later and thought you would like to hear from Me.

I have received many messages from fans asking about my recent interview. For those that missed it, I shall provide the interweb link here. Just ask your staff to click it:

http://www.espn.co.uk/tennis/sport/story/294415.html?CMP=OTC-RSS

Yes it’s true that when people start the sentence with, “I don’t mean to… but… ” then this means that they do mean to. Look, please don’t make the criticisings and the pointing of the fingers to Me. I was not insulting My fellow work colleagues, I was hoping to provide them with the motivations. As I said in the interview, many of the guys were playing Saint David’s Cup. Who does that during a tennis season? I try to only do it when I really have to.

While they were off doing that and just generally going to the parties, I was busy working and training very hard. In the evening I also did all My homework and staff made sure I was tucked up in bed by 8:30pm.

By the way, I have created a tutorial on top tips on how to work hard, please click here to view. You’re welcome.

So come on Little Guys, if you want to keep up with the best (a.k.a. Me) ask staff to pull your socks up and let’s take this a little more seriously.

Much love,
PF xx

Indian Wells 2014

Good morning from the beautiful Indian Wells!

Before I begin I would like to announce that staff and sponsors suggested that I get onto this new site called Facebooks. It will be your pleasure to “Like” My page, the link is on the right >>>>

Facebooks was started by a schoolboy named Mark Zuckerberg when he should have been doing homework and studying. Please let this be a lesson to you all that school work comes first. Don’t waste time building websites as it won’t help you in your career. Now this poor young man is stuck in an office all day when he could be out in a real job.

Ahead of you is a week filled with wonderful tennis, beautiful views when I’m on court and very tall mountains. I haven’t yet decided whether to win this tournament but I’ll let you know in a week or so.

I think it’s fair to say that this tournament is one of the best on the tennis calendar with facilities so great that it feels like homes fromLeisure_Suit_Larry homes. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Larry Ellison for all he has done to make this happen. For those of you that don’t know, Larry is a very clever person. After being one of the people that invented the light bulb which we now all take for granted, he started out his career making video games and his first success was the game Leisure Suit Larry which some of you may remember. After this he went onto create something you all have heard of but probably didn’t know Larry was behind, and this is a computer called Oracle, it even knows more than Google! Yes, when people tell you to go and ask the Oracle, they actually mean Larry’s laptop. It must be enormous (that’s what she said).

There has been talk of moving the U.S. Open here but I think it will be quite a challenge. Mr. York is probably more powerful than Larry. He even managed to name New York twice and not even Larry has managed that though to be fair I don’t think Indian Wells Indian Wells has the same ring to it.

Be sure to sit back and enjoy the tennis!

PF xx

Hello Tom,

Congratulations on getting to the final, for Me and for you.

I wanted to say, maybe sometimes when we speak to each other at tournaments and in the locker rooms, you feel surprised that I don’t seem the same person as I do on Twitter. This is true but it is not a reflection of our friendship that has blossomed into something beautiful.

When we meet in the final I think it’s probably better that you don’t mention any Wham or Queen songs to Me. If you do, I may look surprised and ask you what you’re talking about. But this is because I will be concentrating on the match.

Remember the famous saying, ‘What happens on Twitter, stays on Twitter’.

Let’s keep making the fun times!

PF xx

Hello everybody fans,

When you reach My level of excellence you feel it your duty to pass on top quality information to the Little Guys. Note: When I use the term ‘You’, I actually mean Me.

Stanford has reached the final of the Australian Open in Australia.

As a way of congratulations I recently called him to offer some tips on how to beat Rafaello Nadal. Here is how the phone call went:

Staff dial Stanford’s number.

Stanford: Hello?oldphone

Me: Hello Stanford, it’s Me Roger.

Stanford: Roger who?

Me: Your elder, Federer, of course.

Stanford: Oh! Why didn’t you just say, Swiss number 2?

Me: Don’t be cheeky, the seedlings don’t change until Monday. Anyway, Congratulations on getting to the final.

Stanford: I wish I could say the same.

Me: I thought I’d call to see if you needed tips on how to beat Rafaello.

Stanford: Tips from who?

Me: OK, the first thing to do is knock over his bottles, then tell him that you know that he is right-handed and yet he plays with his left hand. Also mention that his Uncle is his coach and has coached him since he was 4. You should keep telling him these things repeatedly at least every few minutes. Also, for no apparent reason, keep mentioning My name and say how good I am.

Stanford: What are you talking about? How is this going to help anything? I think you’ve been listening to the TV commentators a little too much.

Me: OK, how about complaining to Mr. Umpire about his grunting?

Stanford: He doesn’t grunt any different to how he ever did. Seriously, I have things to do. Bye Roger.

Me: Would you consider sharing the Swiss number 1 ranking with Me?

Stanford: Goodbye Roger.

Phone goes dead. Staff call back only to find number has been blocked.

PF xx

Hello,

I am fine thank you.

Sadly in the Grand Slam events, one can’t be promoted straight to the final and it is that time again. Many people have asked Me how I see My next match going so here is a special preview of the Quarter-Final:

Set 1
I will start out with the very serious faces. I will play very aggressive and for the first few games will run into the net very quickly. For those unfamiliar with the technical aspect of the tennis, this is called “chip and pin”. I hope this style of play will unsettle Andrew and make him do the shoutings. However, I know that every time I look at him I will be reminded of  that Olympic Gold medal that was cruelly snatched from Me. This will make Me lose the first set, not on a tie-break, but on a memory.

Set 2
During the break, Andrew will walk into the bathroom, I assume for the little tinklings. However, when he is due to come out and fedpointplay, his brother Jamie will appear arguing that he is a Murray and this qualifies him to play the second set. In addition and to My surprise, he will play with a doubles partner. Two against one? I will make the big complaints to Mr. Umpire reminding him of who I am. I doubt this will make him change his mind, not many things go in My favor nowadays. I will likely lose this set 7-6 on a close tie-break.

Set 3
Feeling thoroughly upset with Myself I will look to My box for the inspirations and will see their surprised faces as they notice Judy of the Murrays walking on court holding a racquet and pushing a cake trolley. She will give Mr. Umpire a generous slice of Victoria Sponge and he will let her play the third set. I imagine that she will probably leave the trolley on the sidelines, so during the match, my eyes will wander to her Pavlovas. At this point she will shout, “Hey, eyes over here, GOAT!” This will be a quick set and I will choose to lose, 6-1.

Game, Set and Match.

PF xx

On the first day of Christmas
Mr. Wimbledon sent to me:
A nice bye straight to round three

On the second day of Christmas
Andrew of the Murrays said to me:
2 Olympic medals
and A nice bye straight to round three

On the third day of Christmas
Novak sent to me:
3 Noisy families
2 Olympic medals
and A nice bye straight to round three

On the fourth day of Christmas
Wilson sent to me:
4 Different sized racquets
3 Noisy families
2 Olympic medals
and A nice bye straight to round three

On the fifth day of Christmas
Rafa said to me, “A lot more Masters than you”:
I said, “Shut Up”
4 Different sized racquets
3 Noisy families
2 Olympic medals
and A nice bye straight to round three

On the sixth day of Christmas
Nalbandian sent to me:
6 Pairs of shin guards
I said, “Shut Up”
4 Different sized racquets
3 Noisy families
2 Olympic medals
and A nice bye straight to round three

On the seventh day of Christmas
Judy of the Murrays sent to me:
7 Chocolate cakes
6 Pairs of shin guards
I said, “Shut Up”
4 Different sized racquets
3 Noisy families
2 Olympic medals
and A nice bye straight to round three

On the eighth day of Christmas
Hawkeye sent to me:
8 Misjudged challenges
7 Chocolate cakes
6 Pairs of shin guards
I said, “Shut Up”
4 Different sized racquets
3 Noisy families
2 Olympic medals
and A nice bye straight to round three

On the ninth day of Christmas
Tomas Berdych sent to me:
9 80s songs
8 Misjudged challenges
7 Chocolate cakes
6 Pairs of shin guards
I said, “Shut Up”
4 Different sized racquets
3 Noisy families
2 Olympic medals
and A nice bye straight to round three

On the tenth day of Christmas
Bjorn Borg sent to me:
10 Tight boxer shorts
9 80s songs
8 Misjudged challenges
7 Chocolate cakes
6 Pairs of shin guards
I said, “Shut Up”
4 Different sized racquets
3 Noisy families
2 Olympic medals
and A nice bye straight to round three

On the eleventh day of Christmas
Mr. Umpire sent to me:
11 Spots of Rain
10 Tight boxer shorts
9 80s songs
8 Misjudged challenges
7 Chocolate cakes
6 Pairs of shin guards
I said, “Shut Up”
4 Different sized racquets
3 Noisy families
2 Olympic medals
and A nice bye straight to round three

On the twelfth day of Christmas
A clay court said to me:
More than 12 years of trying
11 Spots of Rain
10 Tight boxer shorts
9 80s songs
8 Misjudged challenges
7 Chocolate cakes
6 Pairs of shin guards
I said, “Shut Up”
4 Different sized racquets
3 Noisy families
2 Olympic medals
and A nice bye straight to round three

PF xx

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