Hello grass, my old friend,
I’ve come to play on you again,
Such a vision of Me sweeping,
Groundsman sowing seeds while I was sleeping,
The vision of Me that was planted in your brain
Within the sound of tennis.
In restless dreams I played Nadal
On grass and hard and clay – oh no,
My record against him is oh so damp,
He tends to give Me a mighty cramp,
When My thighs were stabbed by the tightness of my plight,
That split the fight
And touched the sound of tennis.
And from My night-light I think I saw,
Ten thousand Murrays, maybe more.
Some laughing without speaking,
Some hearing without listening,
Andrew took My Gold that was never meant to share
And no one cared
Disturb the sound of tennis.
“Fans” said I, “You do not know
Silence please I’m about to throw.
Watch My steps that I might teach you,
Look, My arms that I might reach you.”
But My sweat like silent raindrops fell,
In the wells of tennis.
And the people bowed and prayed
To the semi-final I made.
And the score flashed its warning,
Watch the words that I was forming.
And the sign reads the words of My wins that are written on the Wimbledon walls
Not the Garros halls.
And whisper’d in the sounds of tennis.”
Posted in Wimbledon | Tagged Andy Murray, federer, Murray, Nadal, roger federer, tennis, Wimbledon | 13 Comments »
Happy Sunday everybody fans!
The weather here in Wimbledon today has been the little wet so I thought I’d take a moment to relay some informations about My trying to help Stanford’s schedule. As much as I have the little jokes with him, the truth is he is the great friend and top person.
I was a little upset for him given what happened with the weather yesterday. Mr. Wimbledon told everybody that Stanford would potentially have to play Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. It’s bad enough that I have to potentially play on two consecutive days. By the way Mr. Wimbledon, I hope the reason why you haven’t put Rafaello on Court 1 yet is for moments such as this? If the weather looks less than peRFect, throw him on last, Court 1 on Tuesday please.
Anyway, I took it upon Myself to discuss Stanford’s predicament to try and improve the situation for My fellow countryman. Mr. Wimbledon listened and then gave Me a new sheet. He was a little off with Me if the truth was told. It just goes to show how things change.
Anyway, here is Stanford’s new schedule according to Mr. Wimbledon:
Monday: Day off, no practise allowed.
Tuesday: Third round match, first set only, on Court 16, weather permitting.
Wednesday: Free ticket to watch Me play My Quarter-Final match on Centre Court. Food and drinks not included.
Thursday: Finish off third-round match on Court 3 after all other matches have been played.
Friday morning, 7am: Fourth round match on Court 1, must be finished by 9am or disqualified.
Friday afternoon: Paid ticket to watch Me play semi-final, first set only. Then will be escorted off the grounds.
Saturday morning: Quarter final, Centre Court, 4am, no lights. (Ask Berdych or Cilic for tips.)
Sunday morning: Semi-final, Suzanne Lenglen, Paris, 12noon start. If victorious must be back in Wimbledon by 2pm or disqualification occurs.
I, of course, looked at this twice but apparently it’s the new tradition.
I hope I didn’t make things worse.
Posted in Wimbledon | Tagged Stanislas Wawrinka, tennis, Wimbledon | 9 Comments »
Good day from The Wimbledon!
I have had many emails during the night times asking about some comments I recently made in the interviews about time keeping in tennis. In the interests of being transparent I will use My bloggings technology to make the clarifications.
Lukas Rosol is correct. Some players take too long in between points and this is the only reason they keep winning matches. Actually I wanted to speak with him about it but somebody told Me he went to the supermarket to buy a certain type of grape. Not sure if he would have found them, Wimbledon only sell the sweetest kind.
I would like to stress the words I used in the press conferences about My concern for losing viewers if this is allowed to continue. People will get bored and ask their staff to switch the television channel to something else.
Mentioning no names but I will use anagrams to suggest who I am referring to. The first player is, ‘A Land’ and the second is, ‘Jock Void’. They use the most time in between points and also it is no coincidence that nobody wants to see them play. The fact that they are ranked higher than Me is coincidental and neither, here, there or anywhere.
As I said in the interview, it is not acceptable that fans potentially see 2 points every 60 seconds. This is preposterous. Fans want to see at least 35 points a minute. Preferably consisting of Aces and, worst case scenario, Serve & Volley winners. Any more than 3 shots and Mr. or Mrs. Umpire should stop the game and insist on a restart. There is nothing more boring than a 20 or 30 shot rally. There’s nothing more tiring either.
If we adopt this quick strategy think of the consequences! Grand Slam matches could be over in about 20 minutes! Tournaments would last about 2 days and, with the energy I could save, I could play until I retire at the age of 65 and collect My state pension.
I am seriously considering bringing My own time piece to every match to ensure all rules are adhered to properly and correctly. I have a nice collection in case you didn’t know, and the anagram for that is, ‘Re Lox’.
Posted in Wimbledon | Tagged federer, Luka Rosol, Nadal, roger federer, tennis, timekeeping, Wimbledon | 3 Comments »
Hello My fans!
I am fine.
As I sit here waiting to go on Centre Court I thought it would be nice for you to hear from Me. My week has gone very well so far. I have played once.
What an interesting week we have had in the sport. We have the new kid on the blocks, Nick Kyrgios who just beat Richard Gasquet in what seems to be a pleasant career ahead of him. Shaquilly O’Neal was in the Royal Box on Monday and was so tall they had to hyper extend the roof open every time he stood up.
Off the court Tomas Berdych showed us all his bottoms for the photo shoots. It was quite a pose and one which I tried to emulate in front of the mirror at homes. I didn’t achieve quite the same effect but to be fair as I was trying to perfect the position a staff member walked in and I had to quickly grab a Wimbledon towel to cover My achievements.
Outside of tennis Luis Suarez hit the headlines for using his teeth ahead of his feet. Suffice to say, do not repeat this kids.
Rafaello has just beaten Lukas Rosol and there is one more match before I make everybody smile with My presence so I had better go and make the preparations.
As always, thank you for all the support, the pleasure is all yours.
P.S. Happy Birthday to Mrs McEnroe for today from Me and staff.
Posted in Wimbledon | Tagged federer, GOAT, tennis, Tomas Berdych, Wimbledon | 2 Comments »
Here a few notes I asked staff to make on My behalf in the past deux semaines in no order of the particulars:
- Rafa seems to enjoy playing on this surface, who knew?
- Ernests Gulbis will not be hiring a female coach any time soon.
- The French Crowd seem to still enjoy the tournament without little Me :(
- Boris Becker’s sunglasses just keep getting bigger.
- Whoever manufactures the Trilby hats for Mr. Garros must be almost as rich as Me, almost.
- Fabric Softner, also known as The Magician, gives pleasant on court interviews.
- It was very cold except for when it got hot, then it was not cold.
- I don’t like clay. Never have, never will, no matter what I say during the interview times.
- I am still the GOAT.
See Me on the grass!
Posted in Roland Garros, RolandGarros | Tagged Djokovic, federer, GOAT, Nadal, roger, roger federer, roland garros, shut up, tennis | 5 Comments »
Ciao a tutti! I send you all the little wave.
You will have noticed that I have been rather on the side of quiet lately. Tennis had to take the back seat of a rather expensive vehicle.
You probably think I’m not like everybody else, that I’m amazing and truly something special. You’d be right. However, like you I have a job. Well, not like you at all, but I do have a job and an employer called Mr. ATP so I am effectively an employee, as much as it pains Me to say it.
As you must be aware I had to take time off recently for the arrival of another set of tweeners. I applied for paternity leave and to My dismay I discovered that in tennis we are still somewhat behind the rest of the world. You probably get more rights from your employer than I do.
While on paternity leave, things ‘at work’ should carry on as though I was still there. I did not attend the Madrid Masters although I fully expected to reach at least the semi-finals if I had chosen to play. Therefore I had an expectation that Mr. ATP would make an arrangement as though I was in the tournament, even though I wasn’t. However, upon checking the results I discovered My name missing.
I am going to contact the tribunals and make a claim for loss of earnings, points and appearance fees as I would have appeared if I had been present.
As glamorous as you think My life is, you’re probably not even close. But as you can see, I still have very difficult times to overcome. In the meantime, after this horrid clay season, Mr. Wimbledon is just around the corners and this excites Me.
See Me soon!
Posted in Personal | Tagged ATP, federer, roger federer, tennis, twins | 13 Comments »
Hello My fans!
I am well.
Recently Stanford called Me and we had an interesting conversation. I thought I would share it with you as you know I like to share what I can. It went like this.
Phone makes sound, staff member picks up call. Looks at me:
Staff member: GOAT, it’s him again.
I reluctantly agree to take the call and gesture staff member to hold phone by my ear.
Me: Hello Stanford, Happy Birthday for the other day. How may I help you?
Stanford: Hello GOAT. Did you hear about the Miami men’s semi finals and what happened?
Me: Yes, of course I did. It was quite fascinating to see two retirements and such a shame for all players and fans.
Stanford: Must have been annoying for you having just been beaten then he retires huh?
Me: Shut up.
Stanford: Do you know the medical reasons for the retirements?
Me: No, it doesn’t really matter now but as I said, really sad and hope Tommy and Kei get back on the court as soon as possible.
Stanford: We MUST be told the reasons. Where are the doctors’ reports? Can I download them from anywhere do you know?
Me: No Stanford, it isn’t any of our business, let’s just wish them well.
Stanford: No, it is a fundamental rule of the game that I am told every time a player feels ill, the diagnoses and prescribed medication.
Me: No Stanford, this isn’t the Australian Open now. Just behave and sit quietly would you please?
Stanford: Congratulations on the year you’ve had by the way. I know the commentators going crazy about your comeback.
Me: Oh! Thank you yes.
Stanford: Tell me again how you got to the Australian Open final?
Me: Shut up.
Stanford: You won Dubai, great! Has there been anything else? I won a slam so far this year.
Me: Shut up.
Stanford: Question, why do commentators say you don’t sweat when you simply do?
Me: I don’t sweat, I glow. Anyway, when I sweat what comes out is Swiss Alps mineral water with a PH of 7.2.
Stanford: I’ve heard it all now. Well, I hope you have a better year than last year, though that won’t be difficult even for you.
Me: Staff are hanging up now, goodbye Stanford.
Posted in Australia, Miami | Tagged Australian Open, federer, GOAT, grand slam, Miami Masters, roger federer, shut up, Sony, Stanislas Wawrinka, tennis | 10 Comments »