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Dear Roland,

Following My previous blog post that I kindly presented to the world celebrating our friendship, you immediately cause Me the embarrassizations by letting an unauthorized individual on court that proceeded to touch My person.

To try and prevent this happening again, I shall list the only people allowed on court when I am in attendance:

  • MeRoland Garro Logo
  • Umpire
  • Ball Servants
  • Lines People
  • The Referee (only when I have a complaint)
  • Physio (for the stretchings)
  • Doctor (for when the opponent gives Me a headache)
  • Hair Stylist (during windy conditions)
  • Pedicurist
  • Opponent (optional).

Roland, please print out this list and ask a staff member to place it in a pocket. If we have any breaches of security again I shall seriously consider not playing until Wednesday.

Much love,
PF xx

To celebrate this year’s French Open I penned a little gem.

(Original lyrics, John Deacon. Now improved upon by Me)

Ooh, you make Me live
Whatever Mr. Wimby can give to Me
It’s you, you give me more
Ooh, you make Me play now Roland
Ooh, you make Me live

That’s the best draw
That I’ve ever had
I’ve had good draws for a long time
Not like this one
And I want you to know
That My feelings are true
I really like you
You’re My best French

Ooh, you make Me play

And to the French fans
You always come back to Me
If Gael or shine
You’ve stood by Me fans
I’m happy at homes (happy at homes)
I’m your best friend.

Ooh, you make Me live
Whenever Mr. Wimby is cruel to Me
I got you to help Me always
Ooh, you make Me play now Roley
Ooh, you make Me live

Then there’s Nadal
With Uncle and Dad
How many times has he won here?
You’re the only one
That still prefers Me
I really love the draws that you do
You’re My best French

Ooh, you make Me live.

I’m happy, happy at homes
You’re My best Roland
I’m you’re best French
Ooh, you make Me play
You, you’re My best French.

Much love, PF xx

Hello everybody fans!

This weekend Andrew and Kim will be married. Staff and I wish them every happiness.

As you all know, much of My staff have infiltrated many areas of society, from The White House, Top NewsBurberry Spring Summer 2013 Womenswear Show - Arrivals Agencies, The ATP and Sesame Street. Through such contacts I can bring you special secrets: GOATileaks. Here I provide you with an advance viewing of the wedding vows Andrew and Kim have written for each other:

I, Andrew of the Murrays, take you, Kim Swears, to be my lawfully wedded wife, my constant friend, my faithful partner and my love from this day forward. In the presence of our family and friends and of course the almighty GOAT that oversees each and everyone of us, I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful hitting partner, in the first set and also in the third. In the case of a Grand Slam I vow to be there if you need me for all five sets. In good line calls and in bad, and in joy as well as in Hawkeye, I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals, to honour and respect you, to laugh with you and swear with you, and to cherish you for as long as we both shall live.

I, Kim Swears, take you Andrew of the Murrays, to be my husband, my partner and my *&%king one true love. I will bloody well cherish our union and love you more each match than I did the previous round. I swear to GOAT that I will trust you and respect you, swear at you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through the match points and comfort breaks. As you take my $^&king hand, I give you my heart, and my bloody love, from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.
Congratulations to you both <3
Much love
PF (and staff) xx

Mercedes Benz

Hello Everybody Fans!

I’d like to thank Mercedes Benz USA for following my personal account on the Twitter. Little bit late to the party but staff forgive you on My behalf.mcusa - Copy

Now we are connected, in that you’re following Me, do you think you could send an engineer over to check some things on the GOAT carrier? Nothing serious (obviously) but just the little niggles:

– I noticed that when it rains the car gets wet. Do you know if this is normal or is it something I should be concerned about?

– When I get into the driver’s seat I have noticed that the engine does not turn on unless I press the button.

– Perhaps connected to the previous point, after arriving at a destination the engine does not switch itself off. It’s almost acting like some sort of machine that does not have any awareness of My needs.

– I find the climate control quite pleasing, is there any way that it can be linked to what I see out of the windows and windscreen? It would be lovely if I turn the temperature up and then, for example, the trees that are before Me are replaced with palm trees and such things. Surely with today’s technologies we can do this? Perhaps call Steven Spielbergs?

– One last thing, is there anyway you can get the nice lady that speaks on the voice control system to address Me personally? It would be really great if when everything switches on she says, “Hello GOAT”.

Anyway, not sure how long I’ll be in Indian Wells but if you could get someone over to Me by the weekend that’d be great! If I’m on court please get your guy to head on over to Larry Edison’s office. His Grandfather invented the light bulb apparently. Who knew?

Much love,
PF xx

 

1. You prefer the taste of Wimbledon grass to any other type of green but you just don’t know why.

2. When people annoy you, you have an overwhelming urge to charge and head butt them.

3. Every time you meet a new fan, you wonder what their t-shirt tastes like.

4. You notice everybody is walking using their back legs.

5. When you win a trophy, you’re more interested about what’s inside it compared to the trophy itself.

 

fed-trophy-watch - Copy

6. During a press conference, the only thing you can think about is why the journalists’ eyes are so close together.

7. It doesn’t really bother you when people keep touching your ears.

8. You’re as comfortable walking along the edge of the roof of a high stadium as you are strolling in the park.

9. You wonder why nobody else seems excited about jumping over the net on court.

10. I used to be a kid.

Much love,
PF xx

Hello Everybody Fans!

Since adding Istanbul to My schedule, I hereby announce the complete itinerary from now until the Summer.

23 Feb: Dubai
12 March: Indian Wells
28 March: Quick Shopping trip to New York on the way back, the Big Apples
12 April: Monte Carlo
13 April: Depart Nice Côte d’Azur Airport – Destination Euro Disney to see Michael Mouse
27 April: Istanbul
2 May: Check color of clay in Madrid.
3 May: Madrid
8 May: Get staff to wash filthy clay from kit.
9 May: Have evening meal with Fognini ahead of Rome to pick up more humble Italian phrases.
10 May: Rome
23 May: Fly to Paris and have lunch with Mona Lisa before French Open.
24 May: Roland Garros
7 June: Watch Nadal win French Open.
15 June: Attend Halle, the Gerry Springer Open
29 June: Wimbledon – Home Sweet Homes.

Missing from this schedule is a very special event to occur this year. Make sure you subscribe, follow Me on the Twitter technologies, and Facebooks to be sure not to miss it.

Much love,
PF xx

Hello Little Guys,

It’s Me, GOAT. I hope you are enjoying the second week of the tournament and are still feeling gratefulness that I chose to depart during the first week. Sometimes when one reaches this level of seniority it is appropriate to let others have a chance too. You’re welcome.

So, the quarter-finals are ahead of you. Before you step on court may I suggest you do so fully prepared with last year’s final between Rafaello and Stanford firmly in mind. You’ll remember Stanford being rather insistent on being made aware of Rafaello’s medical issues, in minute detail. Therefore, if you have any pre-existing physical problems that may cause issues during the match please ensure you satisfy any queries Stanford may have. I recommend a medical certificate for each problem. All documents must be signed by three Doctors and also must be accompanied with 2 x-rays and 3 MRI scans and a partridge in a pear tree. If you are taking any medication it may be a good idea to list the date of prescription and also be prepared to give Stanford the telephone number of the Doctor that supplied these for Stanford’s verification.

By taking all necessary precautions this will help all matches against Stanford going ahead smoothly. Failure to do so will likely irritate him and make him do the shoutings. (Snapshot below)

Allez Stan.

Much love,
PF xx

Transcription of last year’s final:
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