If…

On the eve of Mr. Wimbledon 2012 I thought it was time for making some reflections.

Many of My British fans will remember Me and Rafa reading this poem before  we played each other in the 2008 Wimbledon final (which I lost on a technicality; it was dark). It was originally written by Mr. Kiplings who also makes exceedingly good cakes. Fans outside the UK may have seen the video on MyTube.

As you know, lately I have been letting My GOAT fingers do the talking and I know much of what I say you fun guys consider poetries anyway. But I wanted to lick the envelope, go two steps further. So I have taken Mr. Kiplings’ poem and made some enhancements which I know you will like. Watch the video to remind yourself, then read the new and correct version.

IF you can be Humble when all about You
Are losing theirs and blaming it on You,
If you can trust Yourself when  Tommy Haas beats You,
But make allowance for his age too;
If you can go 5 sets and not be tired by running,
Always remember, Your hair looks stunning,
Or being adored, give way to being adored,
And yet You look too good, and talk too wise:

If Goffin can dream – and realise I am his master;
If you can serve – but somehow not keep Your aim;
Playing on orange clay does not end with Triumph, but Disaster
Djokovic? Nadal? Treat those two imposters just the same;
You will be so happy to hear the truth I’ve spoken
My racquets are not only My art but My tools,
Watch the things I do on court, they are a little token,
The entire package is Me… Mr. Cools

I doubt you can ever make one tenth of all My winnings
You’ll never serve first, because I win the coin toss,
You’ll lose, and start again at your beginnings
And I will keep talking about your loss;
Many try to force Me into an error,
Little do they realise, I have a bag full (of unforced errors),
And so hold on, you know You’re the best,
Except you play Nadal, then You’re just like the rest 😦

I can talk with the crowds, tell them to ‘Shut up’,
I am your King – what is a common touch?
To a Serbian family I say tut-tut,,
All staff count on You, way too much;
Fire them quickly, within less than a minute,
Within sixty seconds I will make you run,
But not too fast, Chef says My dinner is on a skillet,
He says, eat it all up and You’ll be a GOAT, my son!

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31 thoughts on “If…

  1. You amaze me! Poet laureates for which I now nominates you. The Queen agrees and is humbled in your presents!

  2. Oh GOAT, you are so wise and cultured. How can we your serfs support you to win Wimbledon? You must add to your Grand Slam count to tie the Greek’s record? Remember,Wimbledon is YOUR HOUSE! You have the coaches to help you counter the Rafa spins to your backhand and the Joker return.
    You must calm the nerves and serve like the wind, maybe take chances on 2nd serve,yes? We will always be with you.

  3. Wonderful pseudofed…you get better with each passing year…hope you’ve got lots more lined up in the next two weeks…after all you will be in the final, won’t you???

  4. Brilliant! Another triumph! All this and the blue clay crown, too.

    I hope, Maestro, that You will recite this on court before the first serve of every match. No eye will be left dry — including Your own, I am sure.

    Kipling would be so proud.

  5. You are the poet LaureFed. It’s shame you’re so humble otherwise you could nominate yourself for a Noble or Pulitzer or some other literature prize; Goat in everything you do. How you must amaze yourself.

  6. “Except you play Nadal, then You’re just like the rest” – So #humble of you to accept that!! Does it hurt too much, ur humble highness???

  7. Eat your tarts out, Mr Kiplings… Next you’ll be taking on Herbert Adams…

    You are, indeed, the Queen of All Tarts…

  8. You never stop to amaze me (which is logical I guess).
    I have read about you having been elected in the ATP player council yet again (also logical I guess). But I haven’t seen you Tweet about it yet (humble as ever). Would you mind sharing your plans for the future of the ATP with us? Maybe RG on blue clay next year (I know the ATP banned blue clay only a couple of days ago, but hey, if the GOAT says so…)?

  9. OMG…you are absolute genius,a RealGOAT.

    But…OMG…who are you…really?
    Sometimes I forget that you are “Pseudo”fed.
    Simple bcoz…you are as good as the “Real”fed.

    Hey btw,I read that Chris Clarey (at Nytimes) is going to set up a meeting with the-Realfed.Realfed wonders “if your blog is funny”?
    I say this…you have earned it man!
    Especially if you can WIN the-17th 🙂

  10. Anything and everything “for-you” man!
    I can say/write anything and everything “you want to hear/read”
    And if that can boost you,pep you up,and re-focus to WIN that 17th…why not? no?

  11. If pseudoKipling rose tomorrow from his grave beneath the bog,

    Came upon the internets & found the PseudoFed screed & blog

    “No doubt” he’d ring the Queen, request an MBE posthaste.

    “Give PseudoFed an MBE, quick, before Gulbis lays Wimbly to waste!”

  12. I love this !!! This is hilarius, such smart humour, can’t wait for next ones. THough I am real Fed’s fan, pseudo Fed is almost better;))))

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