Top Coach Needed

Hello everybody fans,

As you may have heard, Paul Anaconda and Me are no longer together. I’d like to say it was good while it lasted. The good news is that I’m potentially looking for a new coach.

Recent reports suggest that Andrew of the Murrays is taking time off to play Grand Theft Auto rather than playing tennis. Does this mean I can buy Ivan Lentils? Actually if My cards are on the table I’d also like to buy: Jamie Doubles fan, Judy Graduate fan, Kim Painting fan, and the two little doggy fans too.

If not possible here are the job details for the highly successful candidate:

Job requirements:
– Must have heard of tennis (table tennis acceptable)
– Swiss passport
– Good looking
– Humble
– An eye for expensive things
– Cooking experience
– Very good at bag carrying
– Knitwear
– An ability to sit down for long periods of times on occasions
– Social media extreme activities

The following need not apply/ automatic eliminations:
– Stanford
– Any fluent Spanish and Serbian speakers
– Mr Wimbledon (after this year’s draw)
– Hawkeye
– Twitter parody accounts

Salary (optional).

Please hurry,
PF xx

30 thoughts on “Top Coach Needed

  1. I overheard Sampras and Aggasi arguing each other about the post. Appearantly Sampras was not happy “taking care of Steffi” while Aggasi would be coaching you.

  2. May I suggest Boris (not the tennis player, the other one) or Jimmy Connors? He usually wears vest clothing. I may suggest Pippa the girl that sells party pieces. She seems humble to me. Since can’t be spanish speakers, that means I’m out of competition :( (is ok I still love you)

  3. @alvarorama: But if PF hires you, you might go spill all the Swiss beans in Manacor. As it is, our man doesn’t seem to be able to decipher the Spanish bull. No, sorry, you’re out!

  4. You should probably pick someone who knows a lot about retirement homes and pension funds and stuff. Best of luck, PF!! At least You still have a nice clothing contract.

  5. You forgot umbrella-holding and nappy-shopping as job requirements. Unless you and the Mirka will make Severin do it all now.

    Maybe you need Navratilova to kick your ass back into shape.

  6. Dear Swiss person, I ruled myself out immediately when I saw there was a vacancy as I can only tick four requirements. I love bags and can spot expensive things a mile off even if I can’t afford them. I can’t cook but surely you have the the chefs in your kitchens.I can sit for a long time watching Andrew of the Murrays but am on my feets very often. You seem to be having the holidays this year over and above your quota. Perhaps you could train with Martine Winges and she could teach you the underarm servings or perhaps Marat Stepin could step in and help with the passion. You do not sweat enough and this is having the effects.It is obvious that you need the shot in the arm. Wonder who could help with that? I worry about you now and the twins need you so might be an idea to raise the foots up and enjoy the rest. Christmas is on the horizon so you could start the buyings of the gifts and have a fitting for a Santa Claus outfit. I can’t think of any more advisings, Good luck with appointing a coach…you need one. I remain, as always, your devoted Andy fan. ps Love to Murkey and the twinnies.

  7. The natural succession after Paul Anaconda would be Monty Python. I can promise, he would make you laugh again :)

  8. Maestro, I meet nearly all Your requirements, though the Swiss passport will take some time. And I have some great ideas that will enable You to meet Your tennis goals—though some might be a bit of a wrench, at first. I’m forwarding the full outline, along with my CV, under separate cover, but here are a few highlights:

    You must (1) become a leftie on the tennis court and (2) adopt a two-handed BH. Just pretend You’re fondling one of Your Wimbledon cups. Shouldn’t be that hard, no? Also, you need (3) a larger racquet. Babolat makes many fine ones…. (4) Lindt and Lindor are to be dropped for Nutella. (5) Mercedes-Benz is right out—it’s Kia now. Sorry. Additionally, You should (6) put in lots and LOTS of gym work, especially resistance training, to shape up that soft core, and (7) take up fishing. (Yes, You have to eat what You catch.)

    However, You can keep “C’mon!” And Rolex. And the twins. In fact, You should consider sending them the secret hand signalling to call out “Daddy, Daddy!” and making with the charms when things get sticky on the court. Never underestimate the power of cute.

    I look forward to Your reply. Together, we should go far. Perhaps all the way to Mallorca. And won’t Mirky like that!

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