Bonjour Mon Fans,
I hope you are all well. You will be pleased to know I am.
It is with great sadness that I have decided to preview the final of the French Open in France.
I have used the pie charts, quantum analysis, technical drawing technology, algorithm numbers and lastly, of course, the quadratic formula for My calculus fans.
Using this formula, x equals the greatest player of all time (Me). We’ll put Nadal as ‘a’, Novak as ‘b’ and ‘c’ will be Mr. Umpire. The irritating slashes and lines represent some journalists and commentators.
Mr. Umpire works for Me, as you’ll have noticed if you’ve been paying close attentions. His job is to annoy Nadal with the clock of the shots, although only at crucial match moments.
The commentators and journos work for Me too, although unpaid. Their job is to annoy Novak and try and put him off his game because he doesn’t eat and think the same way they do, and look where that’s gotten him…
Well, this is the nightmare scenario, whoever wins today is bad for Me. Novak will be another step closer, Nadal will equal Me. The deep pain in My tummies is real, something you will never understand.
What are the options? Well, a few special ones in the media will activate the ‘Project GOAT’ memo which will introduce the “Yes but… ” narrative. It goes something like this:
“Nadal may have equalled but:
– he’s a clay court specialist so it doesn’t really count.
– can we really count Roland Garros 2020? Covid, virus, something something.
– well let’s look at bit more carefully as to who he’s played and each circumstance something something.”
“The number of slams doesn’t count and nor does any other stat, it’s the WAY Federer plays tennis” and other generic and meaningless intangible phrases.
To you it’s just another final, to Me it’s the beginning of the end. The realities have set in. I was supposed to be different; bigger, stronger, faster. A bit like Lee Majors although worth a lot more than six million dollars, of course.
I am making the looking back faces wondering if I should have taken up another career instead. I don’t know. They say you shouldn’t have regrets but it’s not all about money, sponsorships and thousands of staff. Well, it is but could I have achieved all this being in the Spice Boys?