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Posts Tagged ‘roger’

My Two Twitter Accounts

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , on May 21, 2013 | 8 Comments »

Hello everybody fans, or, as we’re approaching Roland Garros we should say, Allo Allo! I will write this only once.

Today you have been informed that I have opened another tweetings account @rogerfederer. This was largely an exercise for the PR (Relations of the Public). I don’t know why the surprise. I can have more than one account if I want. I may open another account tomorrow then I’ll have three. It’s the perfect time to get one of these accounts as I understand Twitter is becoming quite fashionable but more importantly it’s a great opportunity to connect with My fans at the beginning of My career.

Having two twitter accounts is like the Queen of the United Kingdoms that has two Birthdays. For one of them she watches strange men on horses whilst she does the smiling, for her other Birthday she has the party times and I imagine is being served MOAT Champagne (no other sparkling drinks are available).roger_Federer_suit

This second account will be used for official “brand” announcements. It will sometimes be run by staff. Occasionally I may attach a photograph of where I am to allow you to see places that you’ll never be able to visit for yourself. If I’m allowed, I’ll make the sponsorship tweetings about things that you’ll never be able to afford. Paul Anaconda may sometimes use it too, you’ll see by My results so far this year that he hasn’t been very busy lately.

My usual account will be the real Me. No holding of the bars and the real nitty of the gritties. I will guarantee that I will always continue to make the courtside tweetings from My usual personal account. If a staff member makes a tweet from the “offical” account that I do not like I will fire them online! #exciting

So please do follow My other account. It won’t be cutting the edges like My original account, but I’m sure it’ll give you the fun times, sometimes.

PF xxx

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An open letter to tournament bosses

Posted in Rome, tagged , , , , , on May 18, 2013 | 11 Comments »

Hello, I address this to all four of you:

1. Mr. Wimbledon (probably my favorite).
2. Roland (Still not sure about you).
3. Mr. U.S. Open (You still haven’t told Me what your initials stand for).
4. Mr. Mate down in Australia.

I write this during My week being the guest of Mr. Empire in Rome. I learned that (The Importance of Being) Ernests Gulbis graded himself concerning his game with Rafaello Nadal. Gulbis gave himself an A minus. Is this what we’re doing now? Grading ourselves? Why didn’t anybody tell Me before? I am very angry about it. Think of all those A+ grades I’ve missed out on!

Anyway, My friends, back to My letter. I haven’t had the best of years. Stanford has done better than Me so far this year and that is not something I’d ever imagined staff telling My grandchildren.

However! Mr. Empire has made Me feel good about Myself again, because I’m worth it. He has understood that My excellence requires a little je ne sais quoi. He put Rafaello and Novak on the opposite side to Me. OK it wasn’t all great as he mistakenly put Andrew of the Murrays on My side of the draw. However, I would like you all to take the leaf from the book here for the remainder of My career (a further 25 years, graded at A+).

Mr. Wimbledon – You have always been good to Me so more of the same please. A+ for you.

Roland – I feel you’ve focused too much on Rafaello on trying to annoy and upset him. I’m a little surprised that it’s taken you this long to realize that this motivates him to win. What have you done for Me? You know how much your crowd always cheer for Me, even against French players. So where is the GOAT love? I can’t believe you still lay clay down each year. You know how much I hate it anyway. You get an F, and no, that doesn’t stand for French, or maybe it does?Fed_phones

Mr. U.S. Open – You certainly get an A. You’ve been almost as nice as Mr. Wimbledon. I’m sorry everybody criticizes you about not having a roof. Don’t take it personally. How are the plans coming along about moving the tournament to Indian Wells? Has this become public yet? If not staff will seal My lips and keep it under My wraps.

Mr. Mate. Hello My Mate. You have been good to Me too. It isn’t that you can’t improve, compared to Me, everybody can. I do have to travel a long way to come and see you and this is quite inconvenient. If you’d consider moving nearer Switzerland you’d go from an A to an A+.

In conclusion, you’d all benefit from seeing what Mr. Empire has done in Rome. Come on guys, let’s push the envelopes and think outside of the boxes. let us bring tennis and My career to a new level.

Yours,
PF xxx

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YMCA

Posted in Indian Wells, tagged , , , , , on March 9, 2013 | 6 Comments »

Hello fans!

Here we are in the land of the free. It isn’t free by the way, you have to pay at the shops, restaurants and spa resorts. To avoid any confusion, I am using the term “you” literally.

First of all let Me answer what many of My fans have been asking, the draw for Indian Very Wells. Am I happy about it? Well staff did raise one of My eyebrows when I saw it, but to be honest I don’t know what I would have been acceptable. Unfortunately I have to play some matches to reach the final, as strange as this sounds.

You will allow Me to use this bloggings as an opportunity for you feel this great country because I know you can’t afford to travel like Me.

Myths:
- Palm Desert is a real desert. False. I have not seen any camels or pyramids. But I will keep both eyes open apart from when I do the blinkings.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger is a cyborg from the future. Incorrect. He is an actor from the past.
- The Tea Party is about Earl Grey and PG Tips. I’m not sure, don’t know.
- Roswell is where the beings from another planet live. Incorrect, they live in Washington D.C. and they all live in a house on top of Capitol Hill. (Not to be confused with Darren Cahill who is a top broadcaster).

Truths:FedDigging
- The city of Boston is named after the band who sang the great rock anthem, ‘More Than a Feeling’. Correct and true.
- Stanford has a University named after him although how he managed that I will never know. Offended really.
- New Mexico is not in Mexico. Correct, although I am not sure why, they could have called it something else.

Playing My first match soon. I had a terrible day recently. Everybody says the facilities here are great. And they are, there is no disputes about that. But at least the other venues don’t get the actual players to help to build them. I was not sure what to do with the shovels. Then Djokovic suggested we all re-enact the video from the Village People but I said to him, “Young Man, pick yourself off the ground.”

Let’s hope I have a better day today.

PF xxx

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What I really said to Andrew Murray

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2013 | 26 Comments »

Hello fans from many places,

I have received a lot of questions in the last day about what I said to Andrew during the final of the Semis in the Australian Open (in Australia). My GOATbox has been flooded with emails from journalists, royals, politicians and ordinary people too. On one hand it is great to have so many people writing to Me, on the other hand it makes it very difficult to find the email to renew the subscription to various fashion magazines.

In the interest of the disclosures here is a transcriptions of the conversation during the match. People remarked that I said the naughty words to him. False. This is what really happened:

——————-

Me: Hello Andrew, nice to see you. I believe your last shot was a little too close to make the comforts.

Andrew: Why do you keep calling me Andrew when everyone else calls me, Andy?fedMurray

Me: Did you see the latest episode of Homeland? What do you think will happen with Brody? I personally believe Carrie is not as mad as everybody thinks.

Andrew: What?

Me: Would you care to join Me for a glass of MOAT champagne after the next point? I have a crate delivered everywhere I go as I am their President now.

Andrew: No, I don’t drink during a match.

Me: Chocolates?

Andrew: You’ll have to speak to my Mum about that.

Me: Is it true what that Rafaello Nadal is coming back this year? He spent more time away from tennis than Azarenka does when she takes a time-out.

Andrew: Yes he’s coming back. That’ll be You out of the top 3 before long then.

Me: Are you making the offentions? You know the other day I overheard Mats Winglander and Patrick McEnroe arguing about who likes Me more. I think the argument was interrupted when Sue Barker from the BBC called them and said she beats them both.

Andrew: Are you going to serve any time soon?

Me: Only if you turn off Hawkeye. I hate that stupid thing. Won’t serve until you ask Mr. Umpire to do it. I won’t serve and nobody can make me.

——————-

I hope this makes the clarifications. Especially for the journalists. Their job is difficult enough with those uncomfortable chairs in the Media Centre, so staff tell Me anyway.

PF xxx

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I’m the GOAT, no, I’m the GOAT

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , , , on January 24, 2013 | 15 Comments »

Good morning fans from the Australia!

I am through to the final of the semi’s! It is a wonderful times and I really just can believe it.

It’s been a wonderful journey. I had to make the disclosures in the interview about how scared the little guys are of my playing arm. When I toss the ball in the air they need to make the calculations; left, right, net, long, shankings? So many choices and by the time they have decided I am already sitting down. I don’t need the ball servants to hold the umbrella as I usually play the night matches. I don’t know why this is but I make the nod and the winkings with both eyes.thumbpic

Also revealed by my good friends at The Tennis Space when they interviewed My best friend, Pistol Peter, is that we hang out sometimes using telephone technology. We catch up, talk about movies and whether we have met the actors and actresses (lady actors). Sometimes we also play the game, “I’m the GOAT”. This is when we repeat the phrase to each other, ‘I’m the Goat’, and then Peter says, ‘No, I’m the GOAT’. We take turns and I usually choose to win.

I told James Courier that I love tennis and watch all the night matches! This is true I can make the confirmations. Though I’m usually in the night matches so really it’s Me, watching Myself, whilst playing! It’s a bit like Kojak watching his own top show! Who loves Me baby. Talking of which, I’d like to thank the Australian Open for rolling out the Fed carpet in the way I have been treated.

And now for the final of the semis against Andrew of the Murrays. I’m trying not to think about it too much and focusing My attention on My shoe laces. If the match turns into the shape of a pear I have a secret tactic! I will do what we now call, “An Azerenka”. This means that I will go off court, have a nice meal, take a hot relaxing bath and maybe take in a movie before returning.

I will decide later if I choose to win this match, as always you’ll be the first to know.

PF xxx

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People you should not upset in tennis

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2013 | 4 Comments »

It has been brought to My attention (by staff) that Judy Murray was asked to leave a match yesterday by an official who thought she was not allowed to be seated in a particular area. I feel it is My duty to advise all tournament directors that there are some people who have an ‘Access All Areas’ pass and should not be messed with. This is in no particular order:

1. Me
I am the GOAT. I am not a little guy. You are pleased to see Me where ever I choose to be. Should you upset Me I am likely to say, “Shut Up”. If you are lucky enough to see Me you should respond in the same way as My fans do, “I’m Welcome”. You’re welcome. 

2. David Nalbandian

David is a great guy and we all love him. But if you upset him you will make a lot of regrettings. You saw what happened at Queens last year. Even I make the smile and say “Hello David, may I give you My autograph?” when I see him. Leave David alone or you may find a tennis ball in your bed the following morning. 

3. Tommy Haas

If you upset Mr. Haas he may take you to the medical center to establish you’re feeling OK and have a full physical examinations. You will have no choice. If you pass the test he may make the suggestions you were making the fakings. 

4. Serena Williams

Serena does not take prisoners. I am not saying any more. I like you Serena. Would you like a Lindt chocolate? 

5. Mr. Neil Harman

Mr Harmans is a top journo who works for The Times newspaper. He lives in Downton Abbey. He deserves total respect. You can often recognize him in white trousers (finely pressed) and/or very fresh smelling pink shirt. He likes cucumber sandwiches and his favorite song is, ‘Land of GOAT and glory’. If you see hm, refer to him as, “M’Lord”.BoneyM 

6. Brad Gilbert

Mr Bradlings started his career in the 1970s pop band Boney M. After he cut his hair he got into tennis and is now a Super Coach and established author. His wife is a top Ambassador and works in the United Nations so please ask your staff to make notes on this as together they can make the pullings on a lot of strings. If you double cross Mr. Bradlings he will sit you down and tell you every sport statistic known to man. 

7. Judy Murray

Judy will not react like Mr Nalbandian. She is calm, composed and polite. If you make the double crossings you’ll probably end up in her court as her full name is Judge Judy Murray. Her court is held in secret. People who have appeared in her courtroom have never been seen again. Mr. Australia, you need to make the ammendings here trust Me. Please ensure she is given the treatment of the red carpets and she has as much cake and chocolate as required. 

Now, let’s get on with the game.

PF xxx

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The tennis GOAT turns movie critic

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2012 | 6 Comments »

Hello fun fans,

Now the tennis season is over I am doing the fun things that I have been listing all year. Today I saw a movie in My homes cinema. The popcorn machine didn’t work at first so I had to send for a new one which was inconvenient as it delayed the start by about 14 minutes.

However, I now am going to debut Myself as a GOAT movie critic. You’re welcome.

The movie was called, The Woman in Black. It was a horror flicks with ghosts and I must say if you like scary things then this will certainly give you the jeeby heebies. I will make the admissions that on several occasions I had to get staff to put their hands in front of My eyes. There were no slashings with blood and guts (like My tennis racquets which do have gut), it was a classic type using the psychology of frightening.

The movie was based on a novel by one of My biggest fans, top UK author Susan Hill who likes Me so much. Follow her using twitter technology @susanhillwriter.

I enjoyed the movie a lot, it was up to My standards which is the highest commendation I can award, you’re welcome.

To offer a balanced review I should offer the negatives. Yes. I would like to offer Susan Hill some advice. After watching The Woman in Black I decided to watch the sequel, Men in Black. This is one of those times when people should not do follow up movies, Susan. The story did not carry on at all and I did not recognize any of the characters. The men in black were nothing like the woman in black. They were not the least bit scary either, well, not in the same way anyway.

I’m off to bed soon, have asked staff to leave the light on.

PF xxx

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Revised ESPN Picks

Posted in New York, RolandGarros, tagged , , , , , , , on August 24, 2012 | 15 Comments »

For those outside of the America, ESPN get expert people to make the predictions on the tennis before the tournaments. I am formerly letting everybody know that the “picks” that were made today were incorrect.

On behalf of ESPN I apologise for their administrative error. They have assured Me that the appropriate staff have been fired.

The real picks are below with a new panel of experts:

I welcome the new and more sensible experts to the tennis game and look forward to meeting them soon.

You’re welcome,
PF xxx

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Bloggings from Olympic Britain

Posted in Olympics 2012, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on August 2, 2012 | 12 Comments »

Hello Dear ones,

It has been difficult to keep up with the bloggings as My time has been full to the top. But I am here now.

The race for the Olympic Gold Medallion is going great. Although today somebody made Me play a tall one. I already have a ridiculously difficult draw so I think is making the insults. Let’s not make the problems though, it went OK. An exciting match full of great rallies!

I prefer not to speak about my doubles with Stanford. As Mr. Captain Mannering used to say in the British show, ‘Father’s Army’ – “Stupid Boy”. Although if I am making the honesty I will say that I already have this gold medallion. I am looking for the one you get for playing by yourself (not with a friend). I will wear it proudly and fashionably with the open shirts.

I have spent so long here in the UK I feel that I am a local one. I am trying to learn more than usual about the culture and I thought I would share the findings.

UK stands for United Kingdom. In the north there is a country called the Scotland. This is owned by Andrew Murray. It seems very fashionable to wear what is called a “Kilt”. I like this very much as it allows more freedom of the movements. The front part is called a Sporran and this will be a useful place to keep the FedBerry although I will have to choose the message alert settings carefully. I have already been in contact with a top UK fashion house to have one made in white for Wimbledon next year. I hope not to fall over during a match and make the revealings.

To the west there is a country called Wales. Again they are the lovely people and they can all sing. I can understand the Scottish accent, but the Welsh is so strong it seems like another language.

There is also Northern Ireland but I cannot study this yet as the sea is in the way. I will use the computer to find out more.

Yesterday (the Wednesday) I mixed with the crowds in Wimbledon in My usual disguises. It was fun times seeing how the people on the other halves live. Most people didn’t recognise Me. Someone did. I know you were pleased to see Me and it was your pleasure to spend some time with Me. You’re welcome.

PF xxx

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Ask The GOAT, The Revealings

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , , , on July 5, 2012 | 20 Comments »

Happy Thursday Day fans!

We are again in the finals of the semis! As much as this should be a time of rejoice I want to be open with you about some negative emoticons I am feeling in these moments.

This morning a member of staff said to Me over breakfast times:
“Why does everyone say your Slam record is ‘amazing’ for consistently getting this far when all you ever do is play the Little Guys until the semi-finals? Surely it would be ‘amazing’ if you did not reach this far? You are the GOAT after all.”

I found such comments distasteful, inaccurate and offensive. I was so angry I gestured to a more loyal member of staff to shout a them on My behalf. It was so upsetting I was unable to finish My lightly scrambled eggs with foie gras and Chef had to take it away to make the disposings.

However, let’s focus on the positive things like My taking the trouble to choose some questions to answer from My recent #AskTheGOAT competition! Remember the winner of the best question will be followed by Me on the Twitter!

To create the tensions as to who is the winner I will type this bloggings slowly so it takes you longer to read and you will be in the suspensions.

@HannyHou – Disqualified for asking too many questions. You’re fired.
@pauline_hurley – As you noted yourself. Disqualified for too many questions.

I know it’s very unlike Me to make the complimentations outside of the bathroom mirror. But on this occasions I want to say I read every tweetings and they met with My approval and it was difficult to do the choosings.

GOAT Answers: No

GOAT Answers: The first time I was asked to write an Automaticalography I was 4 years of age. My staff advised Me at the time that it was not a good contract and as you know, the rest is written in the books of history. Maybe one day, soon.

GOAT Answers: Obviously No. I chose to not win four years ago other than in doubles with Stanford. I rubbed his tummy afterwards to ensure he felt special. Oh how things have changed. Since St. David’s Cup this year we have hardly spoken. I may choose to get the Olympic Gold for Myself this year.

GOAT Answers: This is actually why I do this. Imagine a tennis circuit world with only Me. Imagine the interviews, press conferences. Imagine the humbleness.

GOAT Answers: You’re getting confused between GOATs and Sheep.

GOAT Answers: Oh Wooffie fan. This would be so exciting for everybody. All guests would be able to buy fashion from the endless shops. Just imagine the white soldier jackets, the watches, the fun time colours! Probably the biggest attraction would be a Cinema Theatre Megaplexes where fans could watch My greatest victories that I chose to win (extra charge applies).

GOAT Answers: Those beneath Me I like to call the Little Guys. It’s easier to make distiguishings this way as they all look the same to Me. How do I decide? It’s actually a complicated process. I actually make this decision when I am match point down. In this moment I start to wonder if I want to win it. If I lose the point then I decide that I didn’t.
GOAT Answers: I don’t know anything about the history of the game other than Mine but yes, I do sometimes feel I was born in the wrong eras because of the fashion times. Have you ever watched the TV Hit series The Mad Men?

GOAT Answers: No I have never taken to people doing the imitations of Me. However, they see unbelievable success and want some too. It’s good to dream if you’re a Little Guy.

GOAT Answers: This is a strange question as I am the same person now as I was then as a little “kid”. I have grown bigger and eat more things. I can drive too. Which is just as well as I have a nice collection out the back. #justsayin.

GOAT Answers: I think just being here. Allowing people to look up to Me. Sometimes it’s good to have things you know you’ll never achieve because it makes you keep trying even though it is without fruit.

Thank you fans! This was such fun. I feel like I have chatted with all of you personally in your own small living rooms.

The winner is… @poornaramani – Congratulations Poorna! Please go and speak to all your friends and family! Tell them what you have achieved in your life!

PF xxx

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