Hello everybody fans, or, as we’re approaching Roland Garros we should say, Allo Allo! I will write this only once.
Today you have been informed that I have opened another tweetings account @rogerfederer. This was largely an exercise for the PR (Relations of the Public). I don’t know why the surprise. I can have more than one account if I want. I may open another account tomorrow then I’ll have three. It’s the perfect time to get one of these accounts as I understand Twitter is becoming quite fashionable but more importantly it’s a great opportunity to connect with My fans at the beginning of My career.
Having two twitter accounts is like the Queen of the United Kingdoms that has two Birthdays. For one of them she watches strange men on horses whilst she does the smiling, for her other Birthday she has the party times and I imagine is being served MOAT Champagne (no other sparkling drinks are available).
This second account will be used for official “brand” announcements. It will sometimes be run by staff. Occasionally I may attach a photograph of where I am to allow you to see places that you’ll never be able to visit for yourself. If I’m allowed, I’ll make the sponsorship tweetings about things that you’ll never be able to afford. Paul Anaconda may sometimes use it too, you’ll see by My results so far this year that he hasn’t been very busy lately.
My usual account will be the real Me. No holding of the bars and the real nitty of the gritties. I will guarantee that I will always continue to make the courtside tweetings from My usual personal account. If a staff member makes a tweet from the “offical” account that I do not like I will fire them online! #exciting
So please do follow My other account. It won’t be cutting the edges like My original account, but I’m sure it’ll give you the fun times, sometimes.
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Hello, I address this to all four of you:
1. Mr. Wimbledon (probably my favorite).
2. Roland (Still not sure about you).
3. Mr. U.S. Open (You still haven’t told Me what your initials stand for).
4. Mr. Mate down in Australia.
I write this during My week being the guest of Mr. Empire in Rome. I learned that (The Importance of Being) Ernests Gulbis graded himself concerning his game with Rafaello Nadal. Gulbis gave himself an A minus. Is this what we’re doing now? Grading ourselves? Why didn’t anybody tell Me before? I am very angry about it. Think of all those A+ grades I’ve missed out on!
Anyway, My friends, back to My letter. I haven’t had the best of years. Stanford has done better than Me so far this year and that is not something I’d ever imagined staff telling My grandchildren.
However! Mr. Empire has made Me feel good about Myself again, because I’m worth it. He has understood that My excellence requires a little je ne sais quoi. He put Rafaello and Novak on the opposite side to Me. OK it wasn’t all great as he mistakenly put Andrew of the Murrays on My side of the draw. However, I would like you all to take the leaf from the book here for the remainder of My career (a further 25 years, graded at A+).
Mr. Wimbledon – You have always been good to Me so more of the same please. A+ for you.
Roland – I feel you’ve focused too much on Rafaello on trying to annoy and upset him. I’m a little surprised that it’s taken you this long to realize that this motivates him to win. What have you done for Me? You know how much your crowd always cheer for Me, even against French players. So where is the GOAT love? I can’t believe you still lay clay down each year. You know how much I hate it anyway. You get an F, and no, that doesn’t stand for French, or maybe it does?
Mr. U.S. Open – You certainly get an A. You’ve been almost as nice as Mr. Wimbledon. I’m sorry everybody criticizes you about not having a roof. Don’t take it personally. How are the plans coming along about moving the tournament to Indian Wells? Has this become public yet? If not staff will seal My lips and keep it under My wraps.
Mr. Mate. Hello My Mate. You have been good to Me too. It isn’t that you can’t improve, compared to Me, everybody can. I do have to travel a long way to come and see you and this is quite inconvenient. If you’d consider moving nearer Switzerland you’d go from an A to an A+.
In conclusion, you’d all benefit from seeing what Mr. Empire has done in Rome. Come on guys, let’s push the envelopes and think outside of the boxes. let us bring tennis and My career to a new level.
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Posted in RolandGarros, tagged Andy Murray, clay, Djokovic, federer, Nadal, Nalbandian, roger federer, tennis, Tomic on May 9, 2013 |
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Dear Mr. Garros, (may I call you Roland?)
Thank you for your letter of April 27th. Yes, I am very well thank you. I took some relaxation times away from the tennis and at the moment, in preparation for your tournament, playing a small event in Madrid (Spain).
I really do appreciate your hospitality of when I come to the Paris. Obviously I fully agree with your feelings that Rafaello Nadal not being seeded in the top 4. Why should he be? To be honest with you and if I were you, I would also consider lowering the ranking seedlings of a certain Andrew Murray and Novak Djokovic. They haven’t even won your tournament. I have, and I speak French and I like cheese.
You may have heard rumors along the vines of the grapes that my seedling number was numero 3. I contacted Mr. ATP and he said it was a computer tissue related to the millennium bug. Although I use technology like the internet webs, I am not familiar with such technical terms but this is why we have staff n’est-ce pas? The fault has now been corrected. Although it still shows Me as 2 so not a total correction.
Now. Have you any more ideas on how we can continue to upset Rafaello? Your clay now plays fast, merci. The balls are fast (merci Babolat). The crowd support Me and only Me (merci). Last year Madrid made the clay blue, this was very popular, with Me. Can we discuss this when we next have the Skype chat?
Lastly I don’t want Nalbandian as My Head of Security any longer. He certainly showed a lot of the potential during his interview at Queens last year. However, as you know, I only have the best and right now, there is a new Dad on the block who goes by the name on Jonathan Tomic.
Really looking forward to seeing you again, à bientôt.