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Posts Tagged ‘roger federer’

My Two Twitter Accounts

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , on May 21, 2013 | 8 Comments »

Hello everybody fans, or, as we’re approaching Roland Garros we should say, Allo Allo! I will write this only once.

Today you have been informed that I have opened another tweetings account @rogerfederer. This was largely an exercise for the PR (Relations of the Public). I don’t know why the surprise. I can have more than one account if I want. I may open another account tomorrow then I’ll have three. It’s the perfect time to get one of these accounts as I understand Twitter is becoming quite fashionable but more importantly it’s a great opportunity to connect with My fans at the beginning of My career.

Having two twitter accounts is like the Queen of the United Kingdoms that has two Birthdays. For one of them she watches strange men on horses whilst she does the smiling, for her other Birthday she has the party times and I imagine is being served MOAT Champagne (no other sparkling drinks are available).roger_Federer_suit

This second account will be used for official “brand” announcements. It will sometimes be run by staff. Occasionally I may attach a photograph of where I am to allow you to see places that you’ll never be able to visit for yourself. If I’m allowed, I’ll make the sponsorship tweetings about things that you’ll never be able to afford. Paul Anaconda may sometimes use it too, you’ll see by My results so far this year that he hasn’t been very busy lately.

My usual account will be the real Me. No holding of the bars and the real nitty of the gritties. I will guarantee that I will always continue to make the courtside tweetings from My usual personal account. If a staff member makes a tweet from the “offical” account that I do not like I will fire them online! #exciting

So please do follow My other account. It won’t be cutting the edges like My original account, but I’m sure it’ll give you the fun times, sometimes.

PF xxx

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An open letter to tournament bosses

Posted in Rome, tagged , , , , , on May 18, 2013 | 11 Comments »

Hello, I address this to all four of you:

1. Mr. Wimbledon (probably my favorite).
2. Roland (Still not sure about you).
3. Mr. U.S. Open (You still haven’t told Me what your initials stand for).
4. Mr. Mate down in Australia.

I write this during My week being the guest of Mr. Empire in Rome. I learned that (The Importance of Being) Ernests Gulbis graded himself concerning his game with Rafaello Nadal. Gulbis gave himself an A minus. Is this what we’re doing now? Grading ourselves? Why didn’t anybody tell Me before? I am very angry about it. Think of all those A+ grades I’ve missed out on!

Anyway, My friends, back to My letter. I haven’t had the best of years. Stanford has done better than Me so far this year and that is not something I’d ever imagined staff telling My grandchildren.

However! Mr. Empire has made Me feel good about Myself again, because I’m worth it. He has understood that My excellence requires a little je ne sais quoi. He put Rafaello and Novak on the opposite side to Me. OK it wasn’t all great as he mistakenly put Andrew of the Murrays on My side of the draw. However, I would like you all to take the leaf from the book here for the remainder of My career (a further 25 years, graded at A+).

Mr. Wimbledon – You have always been good to Me so more of the same please. A+ for you.

Roland – I feel you’ve focused too much on Rafaello on trying to annoy and upset him. I’m a little surprised that it’s taken you this long to realize that this motivates him to win. What have you done for Me? You know how much your crowd always cheer for Me, even against French players. So where is the GOAT love? I can’t believe you still lay clay down each year. You know how much I hate it anyway. You get an F, and no, that doesn’t stand for French, or maybe it does?Fed_phones

Mr. U.S. Open – You certainly get an A. You’ve been almost as nice as Mr. Wimbledon. I’m sorry everybody criticizes you about not having a roof. Don’t take it personally. How are the plans coming along about moving the tournament to Indian Wells? Has this become public yet? If not staff will seal My lips and keep it under My wraps.

Mr. Mate. Hello My Mate. You have been good to Me too. It isn’t that you can’t improve, compared to Me, everybody can. I do have to travel a long way to come and see you and this is quite inconvenient. If you’d consider moving nearer Switzerland you’d go from an A to an A+.

In conclusion, you’d all benefit from seeing what Mr. Empire has done in Rome. Come on guys, let’s push the envelopes and think outside of the boxes. let us bring tennis and My career to a new level.

Yours,
PF xxx

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Planning ahead on the clay surfaces

Posted in RolandGarros, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 9, 2013 | 12 Comments »

Dear Mr. Garros, (may I call you Roland?)

Thank you for your letter of April 27th. Yes, I am very well thank you. I took some relaxation times away from the tennis and at the moment, in preparation for your tournament, playing a small event in Madrid (Spain).

I really do appreciate your hospitality of when I come to the Paris. Obviously I fully agree with your feelings that Rafaello Nadal not being seeded in the top 4. Why should he be? To be honest with you and if I were you, I would also consider lowering the ranking seedlings of a certain Andrew Murray and Novak Djokovic. They haven’t even won your tournament. I have, and I speak French and I like cheese.

Fed_clay

You may have heard rumors along the vines of the grapes that my seedling number was numero 3. I contacted Mr. ATP and he said it was a computer tissue related to the millennium bug. Although I use technology like the internet webs, I am not familiar with such technical terms but this is why we have staff n’est-ce pas? The fault has now been corrected. Although it still shows Me as 2 so not a total correction.

Now. Have you any more ideas on how we can continue to upset Rafaello? Your clay now plays fast, merci. The balls are fast (merci Babolat). The crowd support Me and only Me (merci). Last year Madrid made the clay blue, this was very popular, with Me. Can we discuss this when we next have the Skype chat?

Lastly I don’t want Nalbandian as My Head of Security any longer. He certainly showed a lot of the potential during his interview at Queens last year. However, as you know, I only have the best and right now, there is a new Dad on the block who goes by the name on Jonathan Tomic.

Really looking forward to seeing you again, à bientôt.

PF xxx

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YMCA

Posted in Indian Wells, tagged , , , , , on March 9, 2013 | 6 Comments »

Hello fans!

Here we are in the land of the free. It isn’t free by the way, you have to pay at the shops, restaurants and spa resorts. To avoid any confusion, I am using the term “you” literally.

First of all let Me answer what many of My fans have been asking, the draw for Indian Very Wells. Am I happy about it? Well staff did raise one of My eyebrows when I saw it, but to be honest I don’t know what I would have been acceptable. Unfortunately I have to play some matches to reach the final, as strange as this sounds.

You will allow Me to use this bloggings as an opportunity for you feel this great country because I know you can’t afford to travel like Me.

Myths:
- Palm Desert is a real desert. False. I have not seen any camels or pyramids. But I will keep both eyes open apart from when I do the blinkings.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger is a cyborg from the future. Incorrect. He is an actor from the past.
- The Tea Party is about Earl Grey and PG Tips. I’m not sure, don’t know.
- Roswell is where the beings from another planet live. Incorrect, they live in Washington D.C. and they all live in a house on top of Capitol Hill. (Not to be confused with Darren Cahill who is a top broadcaster).

Truths:FedDigging
- The city of Boston is named after the band who sang the great rock anthem, ‘More Than a Feeling’. Correct and true.
- Stanford has a University named after him although how he managed that I will never know. Offended really.
- New Mexico is not in Mexico. Correct, although I am not sure why, they could have called it something else.

Playing My first match soon. I had a terrible day recently. Everybody says the facilities here are great. And they are, there is no disputes about that. But at least the other venues don’t get the actual players to help to build them. I was not sure what to do with the shovels. Then Djokovic suggested we all re-enact the video from the Village People but I said to him, “Young Man, pick yourself off the ground.”

Let’s hope I have a better day today.

PF xxx

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What I really said to Andrew Murray

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2013 | 26 Comments »

Hello fans from many places,

I have received a lot of questions in the last day about what I said to Andrew during the final of the Semis in the Australian Open (in Australia). My GOATbox has been flooded with emails from journalists, royals, politicians and ordinary people too. On one hand it is great to have so many people writing to Me, on the other hand it makes it very difficult to find the email to renew the subscription to various fashion magazines.

In the interest of the disclosures here is a transcriptions of the conversation during the match. People remarked that I said the naughty words to him. False. This is what really happened:

——————-

Me: Hello Andrew, nice to see you. I believe your last shot was a little too close to make the comforts.

Andrew: Why do you keep calling me Andrew when everyone else calls me, Andy?fedMurray

Me: Did you see the latest episode of Homeland? What do you think will happen with Brody? I personally believe Carrie is not as mad as everybody thinks.

Andrew: What?

Me: Would you care to join Me for a glass of MOAT champagne after the next point? I have a crate delivered everywhere I go as I am their President now.

Andrew: No, I don’t drink during a match.

Me: Chocolates?

Andrew: You’ll have to speak to my Mum about that.

Me: Is it true what that Rafaello Nadal is coming back this year? He spent more time away from tennis than Azarenka does when she takes a time-out.

Andrew: Yes he’s coming back. That’ll be You out of the top 3 before long then.

Me: Are you making the offentions? You know the other day I overheard Mats Winglander and Patrick McEnroe arguing about who likes Me more. I think the argument was interrupted when Sue Barker from the BBC called them and said she beats them both.

Andrew: Are you going to serve any time soon?

Me: Only if you turn off Hawkeye. I hate that stupid thing. Won’t serve until you ask Mr. Umpire to do it. I won’t serve and nobody can make me.

——————-

I hope this makes the clarifications. Especially for the journalists. Their job is difficult enough with those uncomfortable chairs in the Media Centre, so staff tell Me anyway.

PF xxx

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I’m the GOAT, no, I’m the GOAT

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , , , on January 24, 2013 | 15 Comments »

Good morning fans from the Australia!

I am through to the final of the semi’s! It is a wonderful times and I really just can believe it.

It’s been a wonderful journey. I had to make the disclosures in the interview about how scared the little guys are of my playing arm. When I toss the ball in the air they need to make the calculations; left, right, net, long, shankings? So many choices and by the time they have decided I am already sitting down. I don’t need the ball servants to hold the umbrella as I usually play the night matches. I don’t know why this is but I make the nod and the winkings with both eyes.thumbpic

Also revealed by my good friends at The Tennis Space when they interviewed My best friend, Pistol Peter, is that we hang out sometimes using telephone technology. We catch up, talk about movies and whether we have met the actors and actresses (lady actors). Sometimes we also play the game, “I’m the GOAT”. This is when we repeat the phrase to each other, ‘I’m the Goat’, and then Peter says, ‘No, I’m the GOAT’. We take turns and I usually choose to win.

I told James Courier that I love tennis and watch all the night matches! This is true I can make the confirmations. Though I’m usually in the night matches so really it’s Me, watching Myself, whilst playing! It’s a bit like Kojak watching his own top show! Who loves Me baby. Talking of which, I’d like to thank the Australian Open for rolling out the Fed carpet in the way I have been treated.

And now for the final of the semis against Andrew of the Murrays. I’m trying not to think about it too much and focusing My attention on My shoe laces. If the match turns into the shape of a pear I have a secret tactic! I will do what we now call, “An Azerenka”. This means that I will go off court, have a nice meal, take a hot relaxing bath and maybe take in a movie before returning.

I will decide later if I choose to win this match, as always you’ll be the first to know.

PF xxx

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People you should not upset in tennis

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2013 | 4 Comments »

It has been brought to My attention (by staff) that Judy Murray was asked to leave a match yesterday by an official who thought she was not allowed to be seated in a particular area. I feel it is My duty to advise all tournament directors that there are some people who have an ‘Access All Areas’ pass and should not be messed with. This is in no particular order:

1. Me
I am the GOAT. I am not a little guy. You are pleased to see Me where ever I choose to be. Should you upset Me I am likely to say, “Shut Up”. If you are lucky enough to see Me you should respond in the same way as My fans do, “I’m Welcome”. You’re welcome. 

2. David Nalbandian

David is a great guy and we all love him. But if you upset him you will make a lot of regrettings. You saw what happened at Queens last year. Even I make the smile and say “Hello David, may I give you My autograph?” when I see him. Leave David alone or you may find a tennis ball in your bed the following morning. 

3. Tommy Haas

If you upset Mr. Haas he may take you to the medical center to establish you’re feeling OK and have a full physical examinations. You will have no choice. If you pass the test he may make the suggestions you were making the fakings. 

4. Serena Williams

Serena does not take prisoners. I am not saying any more. I like you Serena. Would you like a Lindt chocolate? 

5. Mr. Neil Harman

Mr Harmans is a top journo who works for The Times newspaper. He lives in Downton Abbey. He deserves total respect. You can often recognize him in white trousers (finely pressed) and/or very fresh smelling pink shirt. He likes cucumber sandwiches and his favorite song is, ‘Land of GOAT and glory’. If you see hm, refer to him as, “M’Lord”.BoneyM 

6. Brad Gilbert

Mr Bradlings started his career in the 1970s pop band Boney M. After he cut his hair he got into tennis and is now a Super Coach and established author. His wife is a top Ambassador and works in the United Nations so please ask your staff to make notes on this as together they can make the pullings on a lot of strings. If you double cross Mr. Bradlings he will sit you down and tell you every sport statistic known to man. 

7. Judy Murray

Judy will not react like Mr Nalbandian. She is calm, composed and polite. If you make the double crossings you’ll probably end up in her court as her full name is Judge Judy Murray. Her court is held in secret. People who have appeared in her courtroom have never been seen again. Mr. Australia, you need to make the ammendings here trust Me. Please ensure she is given the treatment of the red carpets and she has as much cake and chocolate as required. 

Now, let’s get on with the game.

PF xxx

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Australia 2013 – If a tree falls in the forest can you hear it? I can.

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , on January 12, 2013 | 11 Comments »

Great Day Mates!

Well, the first temperament of the year is nearly upon us. The draw is out and I must say I made some surprised faces when I saw it. I believe there has been what is known as, An error of the Administrations. Staff have promised to make the phone calls before Monday.

I am using this blogging technology to launch an announcement. A New Year should always contain resolutions. I have some. You’re probably expecting Me to say that I want to end the year as the number one seedling as I usually say at this time of year. Incorrect. I received lots of positive feedback quote_pffollowing My tweetings regarding this quote of Mine in this photograph. It helped so many people. One fan said he would print it and stick it on his bathroom mirror although he didn’t mention which bathroom. Another said her bad day had been transformed and she was filled with the motivations.

I am going to become your Spiritual Teacher. Yes. You may still refer to Me as GOAT, but I am now beyond form. I have been reading the Dharma. I started with “Lost” but I didn’t like the ending, nor did I understand it. So I switched to the previous version written by the Buddha. I know it’s difficult to believe he knew that I would one day exist, but he did. He wrote, “You are the Buddha”, I replied to the book, “You’re Welcome”.

From this moment onwards some of My tweets will contain motivational quotes to help you in your little lives. Each quote will be called, “Spiritual GOAT quote”.

On the court I will become as one with the ball. I will be the ball, the ball will be Me, you are all connected so are all a part of Me, I am not a part of you. Tennis is not just a game, it is life, it is the tree of life. If the tree falls in the forest can you hear it? No you can’t. I can.

Please enjoy the next two weeks of great tennis. I look forward to lifting the trophy, if I choose to.

Remember I am always with you, I am everywhere, especially in the Media Centre #JustSayin

PF xxx

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The GOAT’s Speech

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2012 | 10 Comments »

To all My loyal Subjectives,

As we draw towards the end of another great year for Me I wanted to send My Christmas, Holiday and New Year wishes to you all, so many of you.

I had a wonderful gift from one of My sponsors that make razors (Lillette). They organized a trip to south of America so more people could see Me. It was very emotional for them which is understandable:

Imagine all that you could wish for. This is what it was like for them and I smiled at being able to bring so much joy to their lives. You’re welcome.Gillete-Federer-Tour-2012 Of course, I had sponsor commitments so it was important that I was very clean shaven so I made sure staff did a good job every morning before I left the hotel apartment suites. I also gave out free sponsor razor blades to fans at every opportunity for sponsor brand awareness. This was fine although a little awkward when I met the President of Argentina, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner.

It has been a stressful time since returning homes. Christmas time is always stressful as you all know. The biggest headache of all is which home to spend Christmas Day in. It causes so much friction each year as I know it does for you all too. I’m sure it will be one of them. It is always fun in the end. Sometimes in the morning I even go into the kitchen and share the little jokes with Chef. One year I pretended to help with the cooking and the rest of the staff were in shock and started to make the clapping noise with their hands. We really fooled them and Chef and I made the high five. Then there was this one time, at training camp, when I had a little whoopsie cushion that makes the little noise when you sit on it. Mirky was not amused.

To finish, Me and My staff would like to wish you all, regardless of faith, religion and height a very happy time during the festive season and I hope that next year (2013) will be even better for Me.

Much love,
PF xxx

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GOAT with the MOAT

Posted in Media, tagged , , , , on November 30, 2012 | 5 Comments »

Hello everybody!

I have the exciting news which you may have seen on your small television sets or MyTube.

I have teamed up with MOAT Champagne to be their Brand Sponsor. They are extremely lucky to have Me and look forward to working with Me.buffon

When I first got into tennis I heard about branding and it gave Me the apprehensions as I thought it might be painful. I consulted with the ATP doctor and he was right, it doesn’t hurt at all!

MOAT first contacted Me on the Facebook via a private message. My Facebook administrator’s assistant picked this up and forwarded it for approval to the head of My Human Resources department. This then went through the usual channels to reach Me. After H.R. it went through Sales, Accounting (large department), Tech support, Style support, Fashion support and Staff support. Three years later it was brought to My attention for final approval. I approved on the understanding that we go for a re-brand and that it must have a ‘GOAT’ stamp. I met them halfway (Dubai) and we settled on MOAT. I am so happy to be associated with this brand, as well as all My other sponsors.

As you know, it’s so important for Me to reach out to the everyday consumer. A staff member questioned whether it was a good idea given I am the top athlete. Not only did she question the association with professional sport and alcohol but also as a role model to children.

Obviously I had her fired. There is nothing wrong with this partnership. The London Olympics this year had McDonalds and Coca-Cola as main sponsors and there was nothing wrong with that either, we all have to eat otherwise we would be very thin. I must make the admissions that this discussion did make Me angry. How else are children going to be motivated to go to their local (and probably cold) tennis courts without the goal of partnerships such as this one day?

Look, it isn’t just Me. Rafaello Nadal (Spanish) now has his sponsorship with the poker gambling people, I now have the best alcohol deal in the world and then maybe another top player can be sponsored by a cigarette company. Then all we would need is My new best friend Pippa to make the planning and organizing and we will have a heck of Rolling Stones party times!

Remember fans, drink responsibly whilst playing tennis.

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