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Posts Tagged ‘GOAT’

An open letter to tournament bosses

Posted in Rome, tagged , , , , , on May 18, 2013 | 11 Comments »

Hello, I address this to all four of you:

1. Mr. Wimbledon (probably my favorite).
2. Roland (Still not sure about you).
3. Mr. U.S. Open (You still haven’t told Me what your initials stand for).
4. Mr. Mate down in Australia.

I write this during My week being the guest of Mr. Empire in Rome. I learned that (The Importance of Being) Ernests Gulbis graded himself concerning his game with Rafaello Nadal. Gulbis gave himself an A minus. Is this what we’re doing now? Grading ourselves? Why didn’t anybody tell Me before? I am very angry about it. Think of all those A+ grades I’ve missed out on!

Anyway, My friends, back to My letter. I haven’t had the best of years. Stanford has done better than Me so far this year and that is not something I’d ever imagined staff telling My grandchildren.

However! Mr. Empire has made Me feel good about Myself again, because I’m worth it. He has understood that My excellence requires a little je ne sais quoi. He put Rafaello and Novak on the opposite side to Me. OK it wasn’t all great as he mistakenly put Andrew of the Murrays on My side of the draw. However, I would like you all to take the leaf from the book here for the remainder of My career (a further 25 years, graded at A+).

Mr. Wimbledon – You have always been good to Me so more of the same please. A+ for you.

Roland – I feel you’ve focused too much on Rafaello on trying to annoy and upset him. I’m a little surprised that it’s taken you this long to realize that this motivates him to win. What have you done for Me? You know how much your crowd always cheer for Me, even against French players. So where is the GOAT love? I can’t believe you still lay clay down each year. You know how much I hate it anyway. You get an F, and no, that doesn’t stand for French, or maybe it does?Fed_phones

Mr. U.S. Open – You certainly get an A. You’ve been almost as nice as Mr. Wimbledon. I’m sorry everybody criticizes you about not having a roof. Don’t take it personally. How are the plans coming along about moving the tournament to Indian Wells? Has this become public yet? If not staff will seal My lips and keep it under My wraps.

Mr. Mate. Hello My Mate. You have been good to Me too. It isn’t that you can’t improve, compared to Me, everybody can. I do have to travel a long way to come and see you and this is quite inconvenient. If you’d consider moving nearer Switzerland you’d go from an A to an A+.

In conclusion, you’d all benefit from seeing what Mr. Empire has done in Rome. Come on guys, let’s push the envelopes and think outside of the boxes. let us bring tennis and My career to a new level.

Yours,
PF xxx

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What I really said to Andrew Murray

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2013 | 26 Comments »

Hello fans from many places,

I have received a lot of questions in the last day about what I said to Andrew during the final of the Semis in the Australian Open (in Australia). My GOATbox has been flooded with emails from journalists, royals, politicians and ordinary people too. On one hand it is great to have so many people writing to Me, on the other hand it makes it very difficult to find the email to renew the subscription to various fashion magazines.

In the interest of the disclosures here is a transcriptions of the conversation during the match. People remarked that I said the naughty words to him. False. This is what really happened:

——————-

Me: Hello Andrew, nice to see you. I believe your last shot was a little too close to make the comforts.

Andrew: Why do you keep calling me Andrew when everyone else calls me, Andy?fedMurray

Me: Did you see the latest episode of Homeland? What do you think will happen with Brody? I personally believe Carrie is not as mad as everybody thinks.

Andrew: What?

Me: Would you care to join Me for a glass of MOAT champagne after the next point? I have a crate delivered everywhere I go as I am their President now.

Andrew: No, I don’t drink during a match.

Me: Chocolates?

Andrew: You’ll have to speak to my Mum about that.

Me: Is it true what that Rafaello Nadal is coming back this year? He spent more time away from tennis than Azarenka does when she takes a time-out.

Andrew: Yes he’s coming back. That’ll be You out of the top 3 before long then.

Me: Are you making the offentions? You know the other day I overheard Mats Winglander and Patrick McEnroe arguing about who likes Me more. I think the argument was interrupted when Sue Barker from the BBC called them and said she beats them both.

Andrew: Are you going to serve any time soon?

Me: Only if you turn off Hawkeye. I hate that stupid thing. Won’t serve until you ask Mr. Umpire to do it. I won’t serve and nobody can make me.

——————-

I hope this makes the clarifications. Especially for the journalists. Their job is difficult enough with those uncomfortable chairs in the Media Centre, so staff tell Me anyway.

PF xxx

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I’m the GOAT, no, I’m the GOAT

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , , , on January 24, 2013 | 15 Comments »

Good morning fans from the Australia!

I am through to the final of the semi’s! It is a wonderful times and I really just can believe it.

It’s been a wonderful journey. I had to make the disclosures in the interview about how scared the little guys are of my playing arm. When I toss the ball in the air they need to make the calculations; left, right, net, long, shankings? So many choices and by the time they have decided I am already sitting down. I don’t need the ball servants to hold the umbrella as I usually play the night matches. I don’t know why this is but I make the nod and the winkings with both eyes.thumbpic

Also revealed by my good friends at The Tennis Space when they interviewed My best friend, Pistol Peter, is that we hang out sometimes using telephone technology. We catch up, talk about movies and whether we have met the actors and actresses (lady actors). Sometimes we also play the game, “I’m the GOAT”. This is when we repeat the phrase to each other, ‘I’m the Goat’, and then Peter says, ‘No, I’m the GOAT’. We take turns and I usually choose to win.

I told James Courier that I love tennis and watch all the night matches! This is true I can make the confirmations. Though I’m usually in the night matches so really it’s Me, watching Myself, whilst playing! It’s a bit like Kojak watching his own top show! Who loves Me baby. Talking of which, I’d like to thank the Australian Open for rolling out the Fed carpet in the way I have been treated.

And now for the final of the semis against Andrew of the Murrays. I’m trying not to think about it too much and focusing My attention on My shoe laces. If the match turns into the shape of a pear I have a secret tactic! I will do what we now call, “An Azerenka”. This means that I will go off court, have a nice meal, take a hot relaxing bath and maybe take in a movie before returning.

I will decide later if I choose to win this match, as always you’ll be the first to know.

PF xxx

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People you should not upset in tennis

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2013 | 4 Comments »

It has been brought to My attention (by staff) that Judy Murray was asked to leave a match yesterday by an official who thought she was not allowed to be seated in a particular area. I feel it is My duty to advise all tournament directors that there are some people who have an ‘Access All Areas’ pass and should not be messed with. This is in no particular order:

1. Me
I am the GOAT. I am not a little guy. You are pleased to see Me where ever I choose to be. Should you upset Me I am likely to say, “Shut Up”. If you are lucky enough to see Me you should respond in the same way as My fans do, “I’m Welcome”. You’re welcome. 

2. David Nalbandian

David is a great guy and we all love him. But if you upset him you will make a lot of regrettings. You saw what happened at Queens last year. Even I make the smile and say “Hello David, may I give you My autograph?” when I see him. Leave David alone or you may find a tennis ball in your bed the following morning. 

3. Tommy Haas

If you upset Mr. Haas he may take you to the medical center to establish you’re feeling OK and have a full physical examinations. You will have no choice. If you pass the test he may make the suggestions you were making the fakings. 

4. Serena Williams

Serena does not take prisoners. I am not saying any more. I like you Serena. Would you like a Lindt chocolate? 

5. Mr. Neil Harman

Mr Harmans is a top journo who works for The Times newspaper. He lives in Downton Abbey. He deserves total respect. You can often recognize him in white trousers (finely pressed) and/or very fresh smelling pink shirt. He likes cucumber sandwiches and his favorite song is, ‘Land of GOAT and glory’. If you see hm, refer to him as, “M’Lord”.BoneyM 

6. Brad Gilbert

Mr Bradlings started his career in the 1970s pop band Boney M. After he cut his hair he got into tennis and is now a Super Coach and established author. His wife is a top Ambassador and works in the United Nations so please ask your staff to make notes on this as together they can make the pullings on a lot of strings. If you double cross Mr. Bradlings he will sit you down and tell you every sport statistic known to man. 

7. Judy Murray

Judy will not react like Mr Nalbandian. She is calm, composed and polite. If you make the double crossings you’ll probably end up in her court as her full name is Judge Judy Murray. Her court is held in secret. People who have appeared in her courtroom have never been seen again. Mr. Australia, you need to make the ammendings here trust Me. Please ensure she is given the treatment of the red carpets and she has as much cake and chocolate as required. 

Now, let’s get on with the game.

PF xxx

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Australia 2013 – If a tree falls in the forest can you hear it? I can.

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , on January 12, 2013 | 11 Comments »

Great Day Mates!

Well, the first temperament of the year is nearly upon us. The draw is out and I must say I made some surprised faces when I saw it. I believe there has been what is known as, An error of the Administrations. Staff have promised to make the phone calls before Monday.

I am using this blogging technology to launch an announcement. A New Year should always contain resolutions. I have some. You’re probably expecting Me to say that I want to end the year as the number one seedling as I usually say at this time of year. Incorrect. I received lots of positive feedback quote_pffollowing My tweetings regarding this quote of Mine in this photograph. It helped so many people. One fan said he would print it and stick it on his bathroom mirror although he didn’t mention which bathroom. Another said her bad day had been transformed and she was filled with the motivations.

I am going to become your Spiritual Teacher. Yes. You may still refer to Me as GOAT, but I am now beyond form. I have been reading the Dharma. I started with “Lost” but I didn’t like the ending, nor did I understand it. So I switched to the previous version written by the Buddha. I know it’s difficult to believe he knew that I would one day exist, but he did. He wrote, “You are the Buddha”, I replied to the book, “You’re Welcome”.

From this moment onwards some of My tweets will contain motivational quotes to help you in your little lives. Each quote will be called, “Spiritual GOAT quote”.

On the court I will become as one with the ball. I will be the ball, the ball will be Me, you are all connected so are all a part of Me, I am not a part of you. Tennis is not just a game, it is life, it is the tree of life. If the tree falls in the forest can you hear it? No you can’t. I can.

Please enjoy the next two weeks of great tennis. I look forward to lifting the trophy, if I choose to.

Remember I am always with you, I am everywhere, especially in the Media Centre #JustSayin

PF xxx

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Let the GOAT begin

Posted in Olympics 2012, tagged , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2012 | 10 Comments »

Hello fans,

It has been some times since I have sent you a bloggings. I imagine your little lives have been waiting with anxiousness for My next news. Wait no more!

You see I needed to take a little vacation after a gruelling and very successful year so far. I have achieved so much and extended My records yet further still. As you all appreciate, I know, a little humble break every month can really give the GOAT batteries a much needed recharge.

I’m here really today to answer some things that everybody keeps asking Me. Why am I not staying in the Olympic Village?

Well firstly I may have been born at night, but I was not born two nights ago. It is not really a village fans. It is a lie and telling lies is very bad. There is no Post Office that has ‘always been there’. There are no shops, especially ones of fashion times. The green grocer is also missing so when you tell your staff it is time for the shopping they will not know where to do this. I will make a bet you will also not find Britain’s top Policeman, Inspector Barnaby, there either.

For Me? I am renting the same humble house for Me and the team. In Britain they have a special phrase for when people are trying to make the tricks, it is, “making the hoodwinks”. I am very wise to this. I know I have already won Wimbledon this year. Mr. Wimbledon is thinking that by getting his staff to change the colours around his grounds that I will not notice it is the same place. It is fun! I play along so not to hurt his feeling.

Are you all ready for the opening ceremony? It really is a lot of trouble everybody has gone to, to celebrate Me. They are even hosting little side events like Track in the Fields, Gymnastic things, the Swims, and so many entertainments for those not lucky enough to have those golden tickets to see Me. Please try to enjoy them too. These athletes have been training for a very long time to provide the side entertainment.

Humbly yours,
PF xxx

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