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Preview of the French Open

Posted in RolandGarros, tagged , , , , , , , , , , on May 25, 2013 | 1 Comment »

Bonjour tout le monde!

I start this preview by saying, see you in the final! And this time I really mean it!

At this moment in times I am still thinking about the draw and staff are having problems wiping the grin off My face. I have smiled for longer than ten minutes so far. It’s the big cheesy grin, which is just as well as nous sommes en France.rogthat - Copy

Roland, Mon dieu! You have surpassed yourself. When I said in my letter about pushing the envelopes I had no idea you’d already had staff put a stamp on it and sent it overseas! You’ve raised the bar, set the new standard. My goodness the mood you were in when thinking about the draw, I wouldn’t have been surprised if you’d have put Andy, Jamie and Judy of the Murrays all on the other side of the draw as well! Mr. Wimbledon has always been good to Me, to say the least. But this? This is the future. Merci beaucoup! You’ve done more for Me this year than Paul Anaconda.

Far be it from Me to make the complaints. But you let the little Berdy slip through the net? Any chance we can make the little changes and make the quiet noises as we slip him to Rafaello and Nolay’s side of the draw? Don’t worry Roland, I forgive you, you can’t all be perfect.

But it isn’t just about Me in this moment. I think, Roland, you’ve made the empathy with real tennis fans. Who wants to see Rafaello and Nolay in the final? I know I certainly don’t.

Before I go I need to clear something up as I have received a lot of questions about it. Recently I did an, Ask Me Anything on reddit internet technologies. I think it is a website. Fans were able to ask Me questions. Somebody asked Me, “… if you had an upcoming match against a 2007 Roger Federer, what would your strategy be to win and how do you think you would fare?”

I replied, “… I hope I’m a better player today than I was back then. I feel like I’m a more complete player today. Although my game hasn’t changed much, my experience would allow me fewer mistakes …”

I need to make the clarifications. When I said fewer mistakes, I wasn’t referring to My the first serves in lately, and I certainly wasn’t making the referencing to My healthy unforced error count, nor was I referring to My tournament wins so far this year. Actually, I don’t know what I was referring to.

Until next time (and the time after that time).
PF xxx

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My Two Twitter Accounts

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , on May 21, 2013 | 8 Comments »

Hello everybody fans, or, as we’re approaching Roland Garros we should say, Allo Allo! I will write this only once.

Today you have been informed that I have opened another tweetings account @rogerfederer. This was largely an exercise for the PR (Relations of the Public). I don’t know why the surprise. I can have more than one account if I want. I may open another account tomorrow then I’ll have three. It’s the perfect time to get one of these accounts as I understand Twitter is becoming quite fashionable but more importantly it’s a great opportunity to connect with My fans at the beginning of My career.

Having two twitter accounts is like the Queen of the United Kingdoms that has two Birthdays. For one of them she watches strange men on horses whilst she does the smiling, for her other Birthday she has the party times and I imagine is being served MOAT Champagne (no other sparkling drinks are available).roger_Federer_suit

This second account will be used for official “brand” announcements. It will sometimes be run by staff. Occasionally I may attach a photograph of where I am to allow you to see places that you’ll never be able to visit for yourself. If I’m allowed, I’ll make the sponsorship tweetings about things that you’ll never be able to afford. Paul Anaconda may sometimes use it too, you’ll see by My results so far this year that he hasn’t been very busy lately.

My usual account will be the real Me. No holding of the bars and the real nitty of the gritties. I will guarantee that I will always continue to make the courtside tweetings from My usual personal account. If a staff member makes a tweet from the “offical” account that I do not like I will fire them online! #exciting

So please do follow My other account. It won’t be cutting the edges like My original account, but I’m sure it’ll give you the fun times, sometimes.

PF xxx

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Pre-match interview – Roma

Posted in Rome, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 19, 2013 | 4 Comments »

I thought I’d publish an interview, in the interests of being transparent.

Journo: Hello PF, nice of you to give me a few minutes before the final today.
Me: I know.

Journo: How are you feeling ahead of the final?
Me: Fine thank you, how are you?

Journo: Um, I’m fine too I suppose. I think what I meant was, how do you feel about your chances playing against probably the best clay court player of all time?
Me: I said yesterday after the match about Nadal, “He is the best mover on clay of all-time, if not Top 2 with Bjorn Borg… “. I didn’t say he was the best player.Rog_interview

Journo: So you perhaps still think that even though he has beaten Borg’s record, he is still level with Borg at number 2?
Me: Yes

Journo: If they are both number 2, then who is number one?
Me: Do you really have to ask?

Journo: You have also beaten Borg’s record but on grass, so using your logic, does this mean you are maybe also equal to him on grass and you’re both number2?
Me: No.

Journo: How have you prepared for today’s match? Maybe watched a few DVDs of past matches against Nadal?
Me: That’s the last thing I’d do.

Journo: Andy Murray may not play at Roland Garros, how do you feel about that?
Me: Andy is a great player and it’s always tough when you have an injury so I hope he recovers quickly and we see him in Paris.

Journo: If Andy is in Paris, it’ll increase the chances of Djokovic and Nadal being on the opposite side of the draw to you, like here in Rome. Is this partly why you want Andy there?
Me: Not telling.

Journo: Lastly, you often say that it’s up to you whether you win or lose a match. Do you think you’ll choose to win today?
Me: I always make that decision nearer the end of a match, I’ll let you know afterwards.

Journo: Thanks again and good luck!
Me: Good luck to you too.

PF xxx

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An open letter to tournament bosses

Posted in Rome, tagged , , , , , on May 18, 2013 | 11 Comments »

Hello, I address this to all four of you:

1. Mr. Wimbledon (probably my favorite).
2. Roland (Still not sure about you).
3. Mr. U.S. Open (You still haven’t told Me what your initials stand for).
4. Mr. Mate down in Australia.

I write this during My week being the guest of Mr. Empire in Rome. I learned that (The Importance of Being) Ernests Gulbis graded himself concerning his game with Rafaello Nadal. Gulbis gave himself an A minus. Is this what we’re doing now? Grading ourselves? Why didn’t anybody tell Me before? I am very angry about it. Think of all those A+ grades I’ve missed out on!

Anyway, My friends, back to My letter. I haven’t had the best of years. Stanford has done better than Me so far this year and that is not something I’d ever imagined staff telling My grandchildren.

However! Mr. Empire has made Me feel good about Myself again, because I’m worth it. He has understood that My excellence requires a little je ne sais quoi. He put Rafaello and Novak on the opposite side to Me. OK it wasn’t all great as he mistakenly put Andrew of the Murrays on My side of the draw. However, I would like you all to take the leaf from the book here for the remainder of My career (a further 25 years, graded at A+).

Mr. Wimbledon – You have always been good to Me so more of the same please. A+ for you.

Roland – I feel you’ve focused too much on Rafaello on trying to annoy and upset him. I’m a little surprised that it’s taken you this long to realize that this motivates him to win. What have you done for Me? You know how much your crowd always cheer for Me, even against French players. So where is the GOAT love? I can’t believe you still lay clay down each year. You know how much I hate it anyway. You get an F, and no, that doesn’t stand for French, or maybe it does?Fed_phones

Mr. U.S. Open – You certainly get an A. You’ve been almost as nice as Mr. Wimbledon. I’m sorry everybody criticizes you about not having a roof. Don’t take it personally. How are the plans coming along about moving the tournament to Indian Wells? Has this become public yet? If not staff will seal My lips and keep it under My wraps.

Mr. Mate. Hello My Mate. You have been good to Me too. It isn’t that you can’t improve, compared to Me, everybody can. I do have to travel a long way to come and see you and this is quite inconvenient. If you’d consider moving nearer Switzerland you’d go from an A to an A+.

In conclusion, you’d all benefit from seeing what Mr. Empire has done in Rome. Come on guys, let’s push the envelopes and think outside of the boxes. let us bring tennis and My career to a new level.

Yours,
PF xxx

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Planning ahead on the clay surfaces

Posted in RolandGarros, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 9, 2013 | 12 Comments »

Dear Mr. Garros, (may I call you Roland?)

Thank you for your letter of April 27th. Yes, I am very well thank you. I took some relaxation times away from the tennis and at the moment, in preparation for your tournament, playing a small event in Madrid (Spain).

I really do appreciate your hospitality of when I come to the Paris. Obviously I fully agree with your feelings that Rafaello Nadal not being seeded in the top 4. Why should he be? To be honest with you and if I were you, I would also consider lowering the ranking seedlings of a certain Andrew Murray and Novak Djokovic. They haven’t even won your tournament. I have, and I speak French and I like cheese.

Fed_clay

You may have heard rumors along the vines of the grapes that my seedling number was numero 3. I contacted Mr. ATP and he said it was a computer tissue related to the millennium bug. Although I use technology like the internet webs, I am not familiar with such technical terms but this is why we have staff n’est-ce pas? The fault has now been corrected. Although it still shows Me as 2 so not a total correction.

Now. Have you any more ideas on how we can continue to upset Rafaello? Your clay now plays fast, merci. The balls are fast (merci Babolat). The crowd support Me and only Me (merci). Last year Madrid made the clay blue, this was very popular, with Me. Can we discuss this when we next have the Skype chat?

Lastly I don’t want Nalbandian as My Head of Security any longer. He certainly showed a lot of the potential during his interview at Queens last year. However, as you know, I only have the best and right now, there is a new Dad on the block who goes by the name on Jonathan Tomic.

Really looking forward to seeing you again, à bientôt.

PF xxx

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YMCA

Posted in Indian Wells, tagged , , , , , on March 9, 2013 | 6 Comments »

Hello fans!

Here we are in the land of the free. It isn’t free by the way, you have to pay at the shops, restaurants and spa resorts. To avoid any confusion, I am using the term “you” literally.

First of all let Me answer what many of My fans have been asking, the draw for Indian Very Wells. Am I happy about it? Well staff did raise one of My eyebrows when I saw it, but to be honest I don’t know what I would have been acceptable. Unfortunately I have to play some matches to reach the final, as strange as this sounds.

You will allow Me to use this bloggings as an opportunity for you feel this great country because I know you can’t afford to travel like Me.

Myths:
- Palm Desert is a real desert. False. I have not seen any camels or pyramids. But I will keep both eyes open apart from when I do the blinkings.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger is a cyborg from the future. Incorrect. He is an actor from the past.
- The Tea Party is about Earl Grey and PG Tips. I’m not sure, don’t know.
- Roswell is where the beings from another planet live. Incorrect, they live in Washington D.C. and they all live in a house on top of Capitol Hill. (Not to be confused with Darren Cahill who is a top broadcaster).

Truths:FedDigging
- The city of Boston is named after the band who sang the great rock anthem, ‘More Than a Feeling’. Correct and true.
- Stanford has a University named after him although how he managed that I will never know. Offended really.
- New Mexico is not in Mexico. Correct, although I am not sure why, they could have called it something else.

Playing My first match soon. I had a terrible day recently. Everybody says the facilities here are great. And they are, there is no disputes about that. But at least the other venues don’t get the actual players to help to build them. I was not sure what to do with the shovels. Then Djokovic suggested we all re-enact the video from the Village People but I said to him, “Young Man, pick yourself off the ground.”

Let’s hope I have a better day today.

PF xxx

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What I really said to Andrew Murray

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 26, 2013 | 26 Comments »

Hello fans from many places,

I have received a lot of questions in the last day about what I said to Andrew during the final of the Semis in the Australian Open (in Australia). My GOATbox has been flooded with emails from journalists, royals, politicians and ordinary people too. On one hand it is great to have so many people writing to Me, on the other hand it makes it very difficult to find the email to renew the subscription to various fashion magazines.

In the interest of the disclosures here is a transcriptions of the conversation during the match. People remarked that I said the naughty words to him. False. This is what really happened:

——————-

Me: Hello Andrew, nice to see you. I believe your last shot was a little too close to make the comforts.

Andrew: Why do you keep calling me Andrew when everyone else calls me, Andy?fedMurray

Me: Did you see the latest episode of Homeland? What do you think will happen with Brody? I personally believe Carrie is not as mad as everybody thinks.

Andrew: What?

Me: Would you care to join Me for a glass of MOAT champagne after the next point? I have a crate delivered everywhere I go as I am their President now.

Andrew: No, I don’t drink during a match.

Me: Chocolates?

Andrew: You’ll have to speak to my Mum about that.

Me: Is it true what that Rafaello Nadal is coming back this year? He spent more time away from tennis than Azarenka does when she takes a time-out.

Andrew: Yes he’s coming back. That’ll be You out of the top 3 before long then.

Me: Are you making the offentions? You know the other day I overheard Mats Winglander and Patrick McEnroe arguing about who likes Me more. I think the argument was interrupted when Sue Barker from the BBC called them and said she beats them both.

Andrew: Are you going to serve any time soon?

Me: Only if you turn off Hawkeye. I hate that stupid thing. Won’t serve until you ask Mr. Umpire to do it. I won’t serve and nobody can make me.

——————-

I hope this makes the clarifications. Especially for the journalists. Their job is difficult enough with those uncomfortable chairs in the Media Centre, so staff tell Me anyway.

PF xxx

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I’m the GOAT, no, I’m the GOAT

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , , , on January 24, 2013 | 15 Comments »

Good morning fans from the Australia!

I am through to the final of the semi’s! It is a wonderful times and I really just can believe it.

It’s been a wonderful journey. I had to make the disclosures in the interview about how scared the little guys are of my playing arm. When I toss the ball in the air they need to make the calculations; left, right, net, long, shankings? So many choices and by the time they have decided I am already sitting down. I don’t need the ball servants to hold the umbrella as I usually play the night matches. I don’t know why this is but I make the nod and the winkings with both eyes.thumbpic

Also revealed by my good friends at The Tennis Space when they interviewed My best friend, Pistol Peter, is that we hang out sometimes using telephone technology. We catch up, talk about movies and whether we have met the actors and actresses (lady actors). Sometimes we also play the game, “I’m the GOAT”. This is when we repeat the phrase to each other, ‘I’m the Goat’, and then Peter says, ‘No, I’m the GOAT’. We take turns and I usually choose to win.

I told James Courier that I love tennis and watch all the night matches! This is true I can make the confirmations. Though I’m usually in the night matches so really it’s Me, watching Myself, whilst playing! It’s a bit like Kojak watching his own top show! Who loves Me baby. Talking of which, I’d like to thank the Australian Open for rolling out the Fed carpet in the way I have been treated.

And now for the final of the semis against Andrew of the Murrays. I’m trying not to think about it too much and focusing My attention on My shoe laces. If the match turns into the shape of a pear I have a secret tactic! I will do what we now call, “An Azerenka”. This means that I will go off court, have a nice meal, take a hot relaxing bath and maybe take in a movie before returning.

I will decide later if I choose to win this match, as always you’ll be the first to know.

PF xxx

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People you should not upset in tennis

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , , on January 15, 2013 | 4 Comments »

It has been brought to My attention (by staff) that Judy Murray was asked to leave a match yesterday by an official who thought she was not allowed to be seated in a particular area. I feel it is My duty to advise all tournament directors that there are some people who have an ‘Access All Areas’ pass and should not be messed with. This is in no particular order:

1. Me
I am the GOAT. I am not a little guy. You are pleased to see Me where ever I choose to be. Should you upset Me I am likely to say, “Shut Up”. If you are lucky enough to see Me you should respond in the same way as My fans do, “I’m Welcome”. You’re welcome. 

2. David Nalbandian

David is a great guy and we all love him. But if you upset him you will make a lot of regrettings. You saw what happened at Queens last year. Even I make the smile and say “Hello David, may I give you My autograph?” when I see him. Leave David alone or you may find a tennis ball in your bed the following morning. 

3. Tommy Haas

If you upset Mr. Haas he may take you to the medical center to establish you’re feeling OK and have a full physical examinations. You will have no choice. If you pass the test he may make the suggestions you were making the fakings. 

4. Serena Williams

Serena does not take prisoners. I am not saying any more. I like you Serena. Would you like a Lindt chocolate? 

5. Mr. Neil Harman

Mr Harmans is a top journo who works for The Times newspaper. He lives in Downton Abbey. He deserves total respect. You can often recognize him in white trousers (finely pressed) and/or very fresh smelling pink shirt. He likes cucumber sandwiches and his favorite song is, ‘Land of GOAT and glory’. If you see hm, refer to him as, “M’Lord”.BoneyM 

6. Brad Gilbert

Mr Bradlings started his career in the 1970s pop band Boney M. After he cut his hair he got into tennis and is now a Super Coach and established author. His wife is a top Ambassador and works in the United Nations so please ask your staff to make notes on this as together they can make the pullings on a lot of strings. If you double cross Mr. Bradlings he will sit you down and tell you every sport statistic known to man. 

7. Judy Murray

Judy will not react like Mr Nalbandian. She is calm, composed and polite. If you make the double crossings you’ll probably end up in her court as her full name is Judge Judy Murray. Her court is held in secret. People who have appeared in her courtroom have never been seen again. Mr. Australia, you need to make the ammendings here trust Me. Please ensure she is given the treatment of the red carpets and she has as much cake and chocolate as required. 

Now, let’s get on with the game.

PF xxx

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Australia 2013 – If a tree falls in the forest can you hear it? I can.

Posted in Australia, tagged , , , , , , , on January 12, 2013 | 11 Comments »

Great Day Mates!

Well, the first temperament of the year is nearly upon us. The draw is out and I must say I made some surprised faces when I saw it. I believe there has been what is known as, An error of the Administrations. Staff have promised to make the phone calls before Monday.

I am using this blogging technology to launch an announcement. A New Year should always contain resolutions. I have some. You’re probably expecting Me to say that I want to end the year as the number one seedling as I usually say at this time of year. Incorrect. I received lots of positive feedback quote_pffollowing My tweetings regarding this quote of Mine in this photograph. It helped so many people. One fan said he would print it and stick it on his bathroom mirror although he didn’t mention which bathroom. Another said her bad day had been transformed and she was filled with the motivations.

I am going to become your Spiritual Teacher. Yes. You may still refer to Me as GOAT, but I am now beyond form. I have been reading the Dharma. I started with “Lost” but I didn’t like the ending, nor did I understand it. So I switched to the previous version written by the Buddha. I know it’s difficult to believe he knew that I would one day exist, but he did. He wrote, “You are the Buddha”, I replied to the book, “You’re Welcome”.

From this moment onwards some of My tweets will contain motivational quotes to help you in your little lives. Each quote will be called, “Spiritual GOAT quote”.

On the court I will become as one with the ball. I will be the ball, the ball will be Me, you are all connected so are all a part of Me, I am not a part of you. Tennis is not just a game, it is life, it is the tree of life. If the tree falls in the forest can you hear it? No you can’t. I can.

Please enjoy the next two weeks of great tennis. I look forward to lifting the trophy, if I choose to.

Remember I am always with you, I am everywhere, especially in the Media Centre #JustSayin

PF xxx

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