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People you should not upset in tennis

January 15, 2013 by pseudofedblog

It has been brought to My attention (by staff) that Judy Murray was asked to leave a match yesterday by an official who thought she was not allowed to be seated in a particular area. I feel it is My duty to advise all tournament directors that there are some people who have an ‘Access All Areas’ pass and should not be messed with. This is in no particular order:

1. Me
I am the GOAT. I am not a little guy. You are pleased to see Me where ever I choose to be. Should you upset Me I am likely to say, “Shut Up”. If you are lucky enough to see Me you should respond in the same way as My fans do, “I’m Welcome”. You’re welcome. 

2. David Nalbandian

David is a great guy and we all love him. But if you upset him you will make a lot of regrettings. You saw what happened at Queens last year. Even I make the smile and say “Hello David, may I give you My autograph?” when I see him. Leave David alone or you may find a tennis ball in your bed the following morning. 

3. Tommy Haas

If you upset Mr. Haas he may take you to the medical center to establish you’re feeling OK and have a full physical examinations. You will have no choice. If you pass the test he may make the suggestions you were making the fakings. 

4. Serena Williams

Serena does not take prisoners. I am not saying any more. I like you Serena. Would you like a Lindt chocolate? 

5. Mr. Neil Harman

Mr Harmans is a top journo who works for The Times newspaper. He lives in Downton Abbey. He deserves total respect. You can often recognize him in white trousers (finely pressed) and/or very fresh smelling pink shirt. He likes cucumber sandwiches and his favorite song is, ‘Land of GOAT and glory’. If you see hm, refer to him as, “M’Lord”.BoneyM 

6. Brad Gilbert

Mr Bradlings started his career in the 1970s pop band Boney M. After he cut his hair he got into tennis and is now a Super Coach and established author. His wife is a top Ambassador and works in the United Nations so please ask your staff to make notes on this as together they can make the pullings on a lot of strings. If you double cross Mr. Bradlings he will sit you down and tell you every sport statistic known to man. 

7. Judy Murray

Judy will not react like Mr Nalbandian. She is calm, composed and polite. If you make the double crossings you’ll probably end up in her court as her full name is Judge Judy Murray. Her court is held in secret. People who have appeared in her courtroom have never been seen again. Mr. Australia, you need to make the ammendings here trust Me. Please ensure she is given the treatment of the red carpets and she has as much cake and chocolate as required. 

Now, let’s get on with the game.

PF xxx

Posted in Australia | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Australia 2013 – If a tree falls in the forest can you hear it? I can.

January 12, 2013 by pseudofedblog

Great Day Mates!

Well, the first temperament of the year is nearly upon us. The draw is out and I must say I made some surprised faces when I saw it. I believe there has been what is known as, An error of the Administrations. Staff have promised to make the phone calls before Monday.

I am using this blogging technology to launch an announcement. A New Year should always contain resolutions. I have some. You’re probably expecting Me to say that I want to end the year as the number one seedling as I usually say at this time of year. Incorrect. I received lots of positive feedback quote_pffollowing My tweetings regarding this quote of Mine in this photograph. It helped so many people. One fan said he would print it and stick it on his bathroom mirror although he didn’t mention which bathroom. Another said her bad day had been transformed and she was filled with the motivations.

I am going to become your Spiritual Teacher. Yes. You may still refer to Me as GOAT, but I am now beyond form. I have been reading the Dharma. I started with “Lost” but I didn’t like the ending, nor did I understand it. So I switched to the previous version written by the Buddha. I know it’s difficult to believe he knew that I would one day exist, but he did. He wrote, “You are the Buddha”, I replied to the book, “You’re Welcome”.

From this moment onwards some of My tweets will contain motivational quotes to help you in your little lives. Each quote will be called, “Spiritual GOAT quote”.

On the court I will become as one with the ball. I will be the ball, the ball will be Me, you are all connected so are all a part of Me, I am not a part of you. Tennis is not just a game, it is life, it is the tree of life. If the tree falls in the forest can you hear it? No you can’t. I can.

Please enjoy the next two weeks of great tennis. I look forward to lifting the trophy, if I choose to.

Remember I am always with you, I am everywhere, especially in the Media Centre #JustSayin

PF xxx

Posted in Australia | Tagged , , , , , , , | 11 Comments »

The GOAT’s Speech

December 23, 2012 by pseudofedblog

To all My loyal Subjectives,

As we draw towards the end of another great year for Me I wanted to send My Christmas, Holiday and New Year wishes to you all, so many of you.

I had a wonderful gift from one of My sponsors that make razors (Lillette). They organized a trip to south of America so more people could see Me. It was very emotional for them which is understandable:

Imagine all that you could wish for. This is what it was like for them and I smiled at being able to bring so much joy to their lives. You’re welcome.Gillete-Federer-Tour-2012 Of course, I had sponsor commitments so it was important that I was very clean shaven so I made sure staff did a good job every morning before I left the hotel apartment suites. I also gave out free sponsor razor blades to fans at every opportunity for sponsor brand awareness. This was fine although a little awkward when I met the President of Argentina, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner.

It has been a stressful time since returning homes. Christmas time is always stressful as you all know. The biggest headache of all is which home to spend Christmas Day in. It causes so much friction each year as I know it does for you all too. I’m sure it will be one of them. It is always fun in the end. Sometimes in the morning I even go into the kitchen and share the little jokes with Chef. One year I pretended to help with the cooking and the rest of the staff were in shock and started to make the clapping noise with their hands. We really fooled them and Chef and I made the high five. Then there was this one time, at training camp, when I had a little whoopsie cushion that makes the little noise when you sit on it. Mirky was not amused.

To finish, Me and My staff would like to wish you all, regardless of faith, religion and height a very happy time during the festive season and I hope that next year (2013) will be even better for Me.

Much love,
PF xxx

Posted in Personal | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments »

GOAT with the MOAT

November 30, 2012 by pseudofedblog

Hello everybody!

I have the exciting news which you may have seen on your small television sets or MyTube.

I have teamed up with MOAT Champagne to be their Brand Sponsor. They are extremely lucky to have Me and look forward to working with Me.buffon

When I first got into tennis I heard about branding and it gave Me the apprehensions as I thought it might be painful. I consulted with the ATP doctor and he was right, it doesn’t hurt at all!

MOAT first contacted Me on the Facebook via a private message. My Facebook administrator’s assistant picked this up and forwarded it for approval to the head of My Human Resources department. This then went through the usual channels to reach Me. After H.R. it went through Sales, Accounting (large department), Tech support, Style support, Fashion support and Staff support. Three years later it was brought to My attention for final approval. I approved on the understanding that we go for a re-brand and that it must have a ‘GOAT’ stamp. I met them halfway (Dubai) and we settled on MOAT. I am so happy to be associated with this brand, as well as all My other sponsors.

As you know, it’s so important for Me to reach out to the everyday consumer. A staff member questioned whether it was a good idea given I am the top athlete. Not only did she question the association with professional sport and alcohol but also as a role model to children.

Obviously I had her fired. There is nothing wrong with this partnership. The London Olympics this year had McDonalds and Coca-Cola as main sponsors and there was nothing wrong with that either, we all have to eat otherwise we would be very thin. I must make the admissions that this discussion did make Me angry. How else are children going to be motivated to go to their local (and probably cold) tennis courts without the goal of partnerships such as this one day?

Look, it isn’t just Me. Rafaello Nadal (Spanish) now has his sponsorship with the poker gambling people, I now have the best alcohol deal in the world and then maybe another top player can be sponsored by a cigarette company. Then all we would need is My new best friend Pippa to make the planning and organizing and we will have a heck of Rolling Stones party times!

Remember fans, drink responsibly whilst playing tennis.

Posted in Media | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments »

The tennis GOAT turns movie critic

November 19, 2012 by pseudofedblog

Hello fun fans,

Now the tennis season is over I am doing the fun things that I have been listing all year. Today I saw a movie in My homes cinema. The popcorn machine didn’t work at first so I had to send for a new one which was inconvenient as it delayed the start by about 14 minutes.

However, I now am going to debut Myself as a GOAT movie critic. You’re welcome.

The movie was called, The Woman in Black. It was a horror flicks with ghosts and I must say if you like scary things then this will certainly give you the jeeby heebies. I will make the admissions that on several occasions I had to get staff to put their hands in front of My eyes. There were no slashings with blood and guts (like My tennis racquets which do have gut), it was a classic type using the psychology of frightening.

The movie was based on a novel by one of My biggest fans, top UK author Susan Hill who likes Me so much. Follow her using twitter technology @susanhillwriter.

I enjoyed the movie a lot, it was up to My standards which is the highest commendation I can award, you’re welcome.

To offer a balanced review I should offer the negatives. Yes. I would like to offer Susan Hill some advice. After watching The Woman in Black I decided to watch the sequel, Men in Black. This is one of those times when people should not do follow up movies, Susan. The story did not carry on at all and I did not recognize any of the characters. The men in black were nothing like the woman in black. They were not the least bit scary either, well, not in the same way anyway.

I’m off to bed soon, have asked staff to leave the light on.

PF xxx

Posted in Personal | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

Why I don’t want faster courts

November 13, 2012 by pseudofedblog

Hello,

I hope you all enjoyed the End of the World Tour Finals in London which ended Sunday evening.

This is a welcome time of year where I can have a little time off and look forward to some relaxings. I am playing an exhibition soon. When a staff member told me it was in Rio de Janeiro I advised that I can’t play that month as that is when the Australian Open is. Anyway, they rescheduled and I am very excited to travel to Rio so am busy doing the brush ups on My Italian.

I recently announced that I would like the courts (tennis) to be faster. There is a very viscus rumour doing the travellings that I am saying this for personal gain. A small bird told Me that some people think that Paul Anaconda is doing the same with Me as he did with Pistol Peter, that is, maximise My career by shortening the points as I cannot run the way I used to. This is a lie and also it is not true. Allow Me to set the record straight.

I would like to say that as well as playing tennis I am also a tennis fan. I have lots of DVDs of Myself and watch them regularly. So we can say I am a fan, just like you. Well, not quite like you, but you know what I mean. So I know what fans want. There is nothing that brings them to the edge of their seats more than watching Ace after Ace. Or, when I am receiving, 2 shot games. This makes the crescendo with the tension and builds the excitement leading to a release of rapture. Who wants to see a 20 shot rally when the last shot is a shankings? That is just hitting the ball backwards and forwards and it means I have to do a lot of the runnings. Inappropriate. And anyway, I have a very busy life now with things to do. I can’t spend 5 hours on a court any more. I am able to, I just don’t want to, and you can’t make Me.

Please do try and enjoy yourselves in the next few weeks. If you can, come see Me in Brasil for the exhibition matches. If not, I am excited about going to see My great friends in the Down Under in January. Good Day My mates!

PF xxx

Posted in Personal | Tagged , , , , , , | 9 Comments »

My open letter to Mr. London and story of recent gift

October 30, 2012 by pseudofedblog

This is My letter to Mr. London Finals. As always, I like to share as much as possible with My fans so here it is. It was hand-delivered by staff.

Dear Mr. London,

I am fine.

Actually I am not fine. I have the little niggles that are bothering Me at the moment. I cannot go into the details because of Tommy Haas. The second half of the year has not been so good. During Shanghai I had to give up the finals of the semis because of a major weather alert. It was very risky to play in the treacherous conditions and I made some apprehensions. In the end I decided to let it go, it was just not worth it.

Just recently I was in the Basel Masters 5000 in Basel, My “homes” tournament. I have won this grand event for the past 29 years but again, I put safety first. There was an earthquake off the West Coast of Canada that morning and I decided, when facing 3 match points against Me in the tie break, that I should lose. Decided? Yes, you will know from various Press Conferences that it is Me that decides whether to win or lose matches. So, for the sake of Me and My staff I thought it better to leave Basel tout de suite in case the earthquake decided to spread and move towards us. Safety first.

Lastly, I have decided not to play in Paris. Sorry to all My French fans, I know you will be devastated. But in every pillow, there is a gold lining (well, there is in mine anyway) and I would like to tell you that Rafa won’t be there. You may all smile for 10 minutes.

Lastly, Mr. London I would like to inform you of an error for the End of Year World Tour Finals in London, at the end of the year, after the world tour, in London. I instructed staff to make the checkings on your website (internet) and you seem to have only put up one side of the draw and you have mistakenly put Me in it. I recognize most of the names. This must be Djokovic and Murray’s side of the draw. Where are the other ones that I normally play? The Little Guys? I am confident you will correct this as soon as possibles. If you need any assistance do contact My good friend Mr. Wimbledon who will be happy to help.

Lastly, to add an insult to My injuries, I feel that I was recently the victim of a dupe. What I thought was a good friend of Mine, Mr. Mark Hodgkinsons, gave Me a gift of a book he wrote. Mark is the boss of TheTennisSpace.com and they are lucky enough to have Me write some exclusives for them sometimes. He gave Me this gift wrapped in gold paper, a “special preview before the release date” he said. I was so excited! I thought it was a book about Me. I settled down with staff and arranged a small humble unwrapping ceremony. I even got comfortable waiting for staff to read it Me. To My horror I discovered it was a book about Andy Murray! As though I haven’t seen enough of him this year already! However, I think Mr. Hodgkinsons did this as the jokes so I made a small chortle. I imagine he will see Me again soon with a book about Me.

Sort out the draw Mr. London.

You’re welcome,
PF
xxx

Posted in Basel | Tagged , , , , , , , | 12 Comments »

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