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Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

My Two Twitter Accounts

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , on May 21, 2013 | 8 Comments »

Hello everybody fans, or, as we’re approaching Roland Garros we should say, Allo Allo! I will write this only once.

Today you have been informed that I have opened another tweetings account @rogerfederer. This was largely an exercise for the PR (Relations of the Public). I don’t know why the surprise. I can have more than one account if I want. I may open another account tomorrow then I’ll have three. It’s the perfect time to get one of these accounts as I understand Twitter is becoming quite fashionable but more importantly it’s a great opportunity to connect with My fans at the beginning of My career.

Having two twitter accounts is like the Queen of the United Kingdoms that has two Birthdays. For one of them she watches strange men on horses whilst she does the smiling, for her other Birthday she has the party times and I imagine is being served MOAT Champagne (no other sparkling drinks are available).roger_Federer_suit

This second account will be used for official “brand” announcements. It will sometimes be run by staff. Occasionally I may attach a photograph of where I am to allow you to see places that you’ll never be able to visit for yourself. If I’m allowed, I’ll make the sponsorship tweetings about things that you’ll never be able to afford. Paul Anaconda may sometimes use it too, you’ll see by My results so far this year that he hasn’t been very busy lately.

My usual account will be the real Me. No holding of the bars and the real nitty of the gritties. I will guarantee that I will always continue to make the courtside tweetings from My usual personal account. If a staff member makes a tweet from the “offical” account that I do not like I will fire them online! #exciting

So please do follow My other account. It won’t be cutting the edges like My original account, but I’m sure it’ll give you the fun times, sometimes.

PF xxx

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The GOAT’s Speech

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2012 | 10 Comments »

To all My loyal Subjectives,

As we draw towards the end of another great year for Me I wanted to send My Christmas, Holiday and New Year wishes to you all, so many of you.

I had a wonderful gift from one of My sponsors that make razors (Lillette). They organized a trip to south of America so more people could see Me. It was very emotional for them which is understandable:

Imagine all that you could wish for. This is what it was like for them and I smiled at being able to bring so much joy to their lives. You’re welcome.Gillete-Federer-Tour-2012 Of course, I had sponsor commitments so it was important that I was very clean shaven so I made sure staff did a good job every morning before I left the hotel apartment suites. I also gave out free sponsor razor blades to fans at every opportunity for sponsor brand awareness. This was fine although a little awkward when I met the President of Argentina, Cristina Fernández de Kirchner.

It has been a stressful time since returning homes. Christmas time is always stressful as you all know. The biggest headache of all is which home to spend Christmas Day in. It causes so much friction each year as I know it does for you all too. I’m sure it will be one of them. It is always fun in the end. Sometimes in the morning I even go into the kitchen and share the little jokes with Chef. One year I pretended to help with the cooking and the rest of the staff were in shock and started to make the clapping noise with their hands. We really fooled them and Chef and I made the high five. Then there was this one time, at training camp, when I had a little whoopsie cushion that makes the little noise when you sit on it. Mirky was not amused.

To finish, Me and My staff would like to wish you all, regardless of faith, religion and height a very happy time during the festive season and I hope that next year (2013) will be even better for Me.

Much love,
PF xxx

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The tennis GOAT turns movie critic

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2012 | 6 Comments »

Hello fun fans,

Now the tennis season is over I am doing the fun things that I have been listing all year. Today I saw a movie in My homes cinema. The popcorn machine didn’t work at first so I had to send for a new one which was inconvenient as it delayed the start by about 14 minutes.

However, I now am going to debut Myself as a GOAT movie critic. You’re welcome.

The movie was called, The Woman in Black. It was a horror flicks with ghosts and I must say if you like scary things then this will certainly give you the jeeby heebies. I will make the admissions that on several occasions I had to get staff to put their hands in front of My eyes. There were no slashings with blood and guts (like My tennis racquets which do have gut), it was a classic type using the psychology of frightening.

The movie was based on a novel by one of My biggest fans, top UK author Susan Hill who likes Me so much. Follow her using twitter technology @susanhillwriter.

I enjoyed the movie a lot, it was up to My standards which is the highest commendation I can award, you’re welcome.

To offer a balanced review I should offer the negatives. Yes. I would like to offer Susan Hill some advice. After watching The Woman in Black I decided to watch the sequel, Men in Black. This is one of those times when people should not do follow up movies, Susan. The story did not carry on at all and I did not recognize any of the characters. The men in black were nothing like the woman in black. They were not the least bit scary either, well, not in the same way anyway.

I’m off to bed soon, have asked staff to leave the light on.

PF xxx

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Why I don’t want faster courts

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , , on November 13, 2012 | 9 Comments »

Hello,

I hope you all enjoyed the End of the World Tour Finals in London which ended Sunday evening.

This is a welcome time of year where I can have a little time off and look forward to some relaxings. I am playing an exhibition soon. When a staff member told me it was in Rio de Janeiro I advised that I can’t play that month as that is when the Australian Open is. Anyway, they rescheduled and I am very excited to travel to Rio so am busy doing the brush ups on My Italian.

I recently announced that I would like the courts (tennis) to be faster. There is a very viscus rumour doing the travellings that I am saying this for personal gain. A small bird told Me that some people think that Paul Anaconda is doing the same with Me as he did with Pistol Peter, that is, maximise My career by shortening the points as I cannot run the way I used to. This is a lie and also it is not true. Allow Me to set the record straight.

I would like to say that as well as playing tennis I am also a tennis fan. I have lots of DVDs of Myself and watch them regularly. So we can say I am a fan, just like you. Well, not quite like you, but you know what I mean. So I know what fans want. There is nothing that brings them to the edge of their seats more than watching Ace after Ace. Or, when I am receiving, 2 shot games. This makes the crescendo with the tension and builds the excitement leading to a release of rapture. Who wants to see a 20 shot rally when the last shot is a shankings? That is just hitting the ball backwards and forwards and it means I have to do a lot of the runnings. Inappropriate. And anyway, I have a very busy life now with things to do. I can’t spend 5 hours on a court any more. I am able to, I just don’t want to, and you can’t make Me.

Please do try and enjoy yourselves in the next few weeks. If you can, come see Me in Brasil for the exhibition matches. If not, I am excited about going to see My great friends in the Down Under in January. Good Day My mates!

PF xxx

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Would you like to work for the GOAT? #yes

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , , , on August 19, 2012 | 8 Comments »

Hello fans from the Cincinnati!

I encourage anybody that has not been here before to visit this beautiful place. For My British fans, there is also a Hyde Park here so you will not feel sick from the home. Cincinnati is like the sandwich fillings in between KFC and Ohio.

We have reached the final! Today I will play Djokovic. I may win today later, or not. I haven’t decided yet. I will let you know after the match.

The main reason for this bloggings before I go on court is to open the large antique wooden doors for the many people who want to join My happy team of staff. Followers of My tweetings will know that I regularly fire staff, this year especially. The team that look after Me is looking like it has been on the big diet so we need to make the fattings up. Would you? Can you? … make the landings of the dream job? I am looking for:

- Finishing Executive: This person makes the final touches before I make the appearances. The successful candidate will be a person with style and knows about fashion and white Wimbledon clothes.

- GOAT Bag Organizer: I have many of the different things in My on court bag that need to be there and in pristine quality. A portable music player, sun protection creams, personal hygiene tools for the Finishing Exectutive, FedBerry for courtside tweetings, t-shirts, socks, undergarments (Borg), racquets, olives (Greek) and ice cream.

- Pillow Plumper: My rest and the relaxations is very important as anybody can probably make the imaginations. And the pillow is a big part of this. This person must have proven experience in pillow case technology. I like my pillows to look like the marshmallows but I don’t want to eat them. Must also illustrate the skill in leaving the little chocolate in the centre of the pillow each night (chocolates will be provided #Lindt).

- FedBerry Charger: There is no need to worry, you do not need to look like a electrical piece of equipment with wiry limbs. I make the jokes! No this is a very responsible position of ensuring My FedBerry is always ready, charged up with the spare battery. This person must be the most trusted one as they will have access to My personal and business phones. No tweeting to be done on My behalf.

- Window Cleaner: This person will be located in My home in Switzerland. Must be able to clean two thousand, nine hundred and sixty one panes of glass.

There are some other positions but these are the most pressings. If you have the references and think you are up to the challenge get excited! Any applicant with knowledge of Serbian, Scottish and Spanish need not apply. No applicants must be taller than Me.

Please reply to My staff that deal with such things. *

Hugs,
PF xxx

* position yet to be filled.

 

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Ask The GOAT, The Revealings

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , , , on July 5, 2012 | 20 Comments »

Happy Thursday Day fans!

We are again in the finals of the semis! As much as this should be a time of rejoice I want to be open with you about some negative emoticons I am feeling in these moments.

This morning a member of staff said to Me over breakfast times:
“Why does everyone say your Slam record is ‘amazing’ for consistently getting this far when all you ever do is play the Little Guys until the semi-finals? Surely it would be ‘amazing’ if you did not reach this far? You are the GOAT after all.”

I found such comments distasteful, inaccurate and offensive. I was so angry I gestured to a more loyal member of staff to shout a them on My behalf. It was so upsetting I was unable to finish My lightly scrambled eggs with foie gras and Chef had to take it away to make the disposings.

However, let’s focus on the positive things like My taking the trouble to choose some questions to answer from My recent #AskTheGOAT competition! Remember the winner of the best question will be followed by Me on the Twitter!

To create the tensions as to who is the winner I will type this bloggings slowly so it takes you longer to read and you will be in the suspensions.

@HannyHou – Disqualified for asking too many questions. You’re fired.
@pauline_hurley – As you noted yourself. Disqualified for too many questions.

I know it’s very unlike Me to make the complimentations outside of the bathroom mirror. But on this occasions I want to say I read every tweetings and they met with My approval and it was difficult to do the choosings.

GOAT Answers: No

GOAT Answers: The first time I was asked to write an Automaticalography I was 4 years of age. My staff advised Me at the time that it was not a good contract and as you know, the rest is written in the books of history. Maybe one day, soon.

GOAT Answers: Obviously No. I chose to not win four years ago other than in doubles with Stanford. I rubbed his tummy afterwards to ensure he felt special. Oh how things have changed. Since St. David’s Cup this year we have hardly spoken. I may choose to get the Olympic Gold for Myself this year.

GOAT Answers: This is actually why I do this. Imagine a tennis circuit world with only Me. Imagine the interviews, press conferences. Imagine the humbleness.

GOAT Answers: You’re getting confused between GOATs and Sheep.

GOAT Answers: Oh Wooffie fan. This would be so exciting for everybody. All guests would be able to buy fashion from the endless shops. Just imagine the white soldier jackets, the watches, the fun time colours! Probably the biggest attraction would be a Cinema Theatre Megaplexes where fans could watch My greatest victories that I chose to win (extra charge applies).

GOAT Answers: Those beneath Me I like to call the Little Guys. It’s easier to make distiguishings this way as they all look the same to Me. How do I decide? It’s actually a complicated process. I actually make this decision when I am match point down. In this moment I start to wonder if I want to win it. If I lose the point then I decide that I didn’t.
GOAT Answers: I don’t know anything about the history of the game other than Mine but yes, I do sometimes feel I was born in the wrong eras because of the fashion times. Have you ever watched the TV Hit series The Mad Men?

GOAT Answers: No I have never taken to people doing the imitations of Me. However, they see unbelievable success and want some too. It’s good to dream if you’re a Little Guy.

GOAT Answers: This is a strange question as I am the same person now as I was then as a little “kid”. I have grown bigger and eat more things. I can drive too. Which is just as well as I have a nice collection out the back. #justsayin.

GOAT Answers: I think just being here. Allowing people to look up to Me. Sometimes it’s good to have things you know you’ll never achieve because it makes you keep trying even though it is without fruit.

Thank you fans! This was such fun. I feel like I have chatted with all of you personally in your own small living rooms.

The winner is… @poornaramani – Congratulations Poorna! Please go and speak to all your friends and family! Tell them what you have achieved in your life!

PF xxx

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Ask The GOAT

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , , , , , on July 2, 2012 | 19 Comments »

Hello fans,

I want you to know My back is OK. I have been doing My special exercises that I mentioned in the after-match chat and it feels good. So don’t worry.

This bloggings today is about you. I want to give you a gift I know will make you happy. I am doing a questions and few answers session using technology of the big wide web. Over the next few days you can send Me a questions on the twitter using the hash taggings #AskTheGOAT – then I will see them.

I will pick the questions I like and answer them on a future bloggings and your Twitter name will appear by your question and will be public. This means everybody can see it.

The best question will win a prize of… are you making the waiting? …. the user of the best question will be followed on Twitter by Me!

Here are the rules:

  1. I decide which questions to answer. My staff and I will read all of them.
  2. Unseeded rubbish questions will be ignored.
  3. I will decide which questions I choose to ignore and will not justify Myself to anybody (except Mr. Harmans).
  4. If I am already following you and you win, I will unfollow then follow you.
  5. If I do not like the tweetings the winner makes I may still unfollow you in the future at any given time.
  6. My Friends, family members and staff are eligible to enter.
  7. Questions from females and males will be treated equally, but please do not tell Gilles Simon.
  8. One question per tweeter. If anybody submits more than one question I will say “Shut Up”.
  9. All questions must be about Me.
  10. I may change the rules at any time without notice.

Put on your thinking head garments and start tweeting, do not forget: #AskTheGOAT

PF xxx

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Psychology of the Secrets!

Posted in Personal, tagged , , , , , , , , on July 1, 2012 | 7 Comments »

First I need to make a small print statement:

Do Not Read This If You Are a Tennis player Playing Right Now. Only Old Ones And Normal People Can Read This

I thought it would be nice to use My bloggings on this middle Wimbledon Sunday to not give My opinion, but to give My fans some insights into Me. This is a privileged guide for you.

I believe we should never make pre-assumptions so let’s start with the basics. Psychology is the study of the head (the part under the hair).

Why have I been such a great champion? There are so many reasons I hear you say. And this is true, I agree with you. But let Me share some little fun tricks and insights with you that contributed to My standing out from the Little Guys.

1. The first trick I like to share is the Sociable Psychology.
I recommend you, as and up and coming player, to not mix with the other players throughout your career. Especially the Little Guys. If you represent your country in the Olympic games do not stay at the Olympic villages for example. Rent a humble house for you and your staff. If the players organise a party times, do not attend. Make your own parties with close friends such as Tigers that live in the Woods, or Gwen VeryFunny. These parties can be just as fun!

If the other players organise little events like soccer matches, do not attend. You may get injured and if you carry this into a tournament you may need to call the trainer during a match. And you always need to avoid this because you know what Tommy Haas gets like when this happens.

- So, why do this? I will tell you the secrets. This gives you something special called the “Perceptions Effect”. It means when they do see you, you become the reality of the mystical figures. Suddenly you are standing in nice cardigans across the net from them. For them it is like they are meeting Harold Potter.

Already you have the big advantage!

2. Change racquets during a set.
Do this as the opponent is about to serve and you want to break him. Such as 4-4 or 4-3. the Perceptions Effect here is that they think you will have a very BIG tennis racquets! But guess what? This is very funnies. It is not true! Your racquet is actually the same size!!!!!

Again you have a big advantage as they are about to serve!

Here is everybody’s friend Henry The Count making demonstrations.

3. The Humble Effect.
Here you need to make best friends forever (BFFF) with the people of the influences. Find out who they are and grace them with humble interviews about yourself. This, rightly, also makes them feel like they have been in the presence of Harold Potter.

- Why do this? Because this means you can shout “Shut Up” to fans and other players’ families yet still be called humble. This is not the magic effect but the Humble Effect and you should never make the under estimations of this. However, this can have the effect of the opposites and they may become like stalkers. I often get text messages on My FedBerry from somebody that shall remain nameless whose name rhymes with Blue Darker. The message is “COME ON MY GOAT”. I don’t mind, but it can be off putting during a match when I want to do courtside tweetings to My fans.

——————

There we have it My fans. An insiders guide to Me. You’re welcome.
Please study the great psycholgists of our time and maybe one day you may have your own guide to share. I recommend reading:

- Signal Fraud – he was great but had personal issues I think, so don’t read too much otherwise you’ll never look at your mother in the same way again.
- Ivan Karlovic Pavlov – he was very clever but makes you feel hungry so make sure your Chef is nearby.

Now we can look forward to My last week with Mr. Wimbledon. The final should be exciting! I hope to see you there!

PF xxx

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