An open letter to tournament bosses

Hello, I address this to all four of you:

1. Mr. Wimbledon (probably my favorite).
2. Roland (Still not sure about you).
3. Mr. U.S. Open (You still haven’t told Me what your initials stand for).
4. Mr. Mate down in Australia.

I write this during My week being the guest of Mr. Empire in Rome. I learned that (The Importance of Being) Ernests Gulbis graded himself concerning his game with Rafaello Nadal. Gulbis gave himself an A minus. Is this what we’re doing now? Grading ourselves? Why didn’t anybody tell Me before? I am very angry about it. Think of all those A+ grades I’ve missed out on!

Anyway, My friends, back to My letter. I haven’t had the best of years. Stanford has done better than Me so far this year and that is not something I’d ever imagined staff telling My grandchildren.

However! Mr. Empire has made Me feel good about Myself again, because I’m worth it. He has understood that My excellence requires a little je ne sais quoi. He put Rafaello and Novak on the opposite side to Me. OK it wasn’t all great as he mistakenly put Andrew of the Murrays on My side of the draw. However, I would like you all to take the leaf from the book here for the remainder of My career (a further 25 years, graded at A+).

Mr. Wimbledon – You have always been good to Me so more of the same please. A+ for you.

Roland – I feel you’ve focused too much on Rafaello on trying to annoy and upset him. I’m a little surprised that it’s taken you this long to realize that this motivates him to win. What have you done for Me? You know how much your crowd always cheer for Me, even against French players. So where is the GOAT love? I can’t believe you still lay clay down each year. You know how much I hate it anyway. You get an F, and no, that doesn’t stand for French, or maybe it does?Fed_phones

Mr. U.S. Open – You certainly get an A. You’ve been almost as nice as Mr. Wimbledon. I’m sorry everybody criticizes you about not having a roof. Don’t take it personally. How are the plans coming along about moving the tournament to Indian Wells? Has this become public yet? If not staff will seal My lips and keep it under My wraps.

Mr. Mate. Hello My Mate. You have been good to Me too. It isn’t that you can’t improve, compared to Me, everybody can. I do have to travel a long way to come and see you and this is quite inconvenient. If you’d consider moving nearer Switzerland you’d go from an A to an A+.

In conclusion, you’d all benefit from seeing what Mr. Empire has done in Rome. Come on guys, let’s push the envelopes and think outside of the boxes. let us bring tennis and My career to a new level.

PF xxx

11 thoughts on “An open letter to tournament bosses

  1. Pingback: An open letter to tournament bosses | lucyheisinger

  2. Pingback: An open letter to tournament bosses | lucycervera

  3. Well my dear Fed, you have finally surpassed yourself in the amusings and the witting. I bow to your audacious supplications to the above correspondents. A Final awaits you and you entered therein on my and Supergramp’s 49th wedding anniversary which we have celebrated with champagne, wine and of course, food and family. The last time I had champagne besides Christmas and New Year was when Andy of the Murrays won the US Open. I wish you good luck tomorrow as methinks you will need it. Love to hear from you and I remain, as always your devoted Andy fan. Love to the girls in your life. xx

    • Many congratulations for you and Supergramp!
      49 years… wow. That is longer than 2 normal tennis lives and, sorry to say my dear boss, probably one GOATly tennis life.

      Hope you had a great day! At least you had a good reason to skip Eurosong. Auch. No champagne for Bonnie tonight…..

      A little hug from your co-staff Heidi

  4. Dear Heidi and fellow staff member, thank you so much for the good wishes which our GOAT Boss did also send. Lovely to hear from you and hope Peter is OK. Many thanks Mr Fed for the allowing of this chattings between two loyal members of staff. All Hail Andy of the Murrays!!

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